Reads A Lot

What Feels Like A Million Years Later...

2011-02-27T18:56:00.003-05:00

I haven't been blogging (obviously). I have been, well, working. All. The. Time. I work full time for an insurance company and one shift a week for the hospital, just to keep my foot in the door. It is exhausting.

On top of all the working, I have been planning my best friend Katie's bachelorette party along with assisting her sister with the bridal shower. Since I have never been a maid/matron of honor before this, I had no idea how much work goes into this. We are going to Sarasota for the weekend for the bachelorette, spending time shopping at St. Armand's Circle, going to the beach, and going out. It should be amazing.

While I can't wait for all of Katie's events to begin next week, I am most excited to Eugene and my newest adventure: homeowner. For the past month we have been obsessing/looking at homes, trying to find our dream starter home.

So... we found it today. Our dream/starter house. We made an offer today and I couldn't be more nervous/excited. It is a short sale so it will take about 6 weeks to find out what the bank thinks.

I might not make it 6 weeks.

Help.

Off

2010-09-07T13:16:00.002-04:00

Sometimes I feel like something is off in my life. Like something, some component, is missing, that if I just had that one thing, I would be perfectly happy. Gloriously happy. Gross people out happy. I'm not sure where this comes from. Eugene and I are great. I think this is actually the best we've ever been. I enjoy my classes, and have rediscovered my love of being on an actual campus. I got a job at the hospital I did my externship at and am just waiting for my start date. I don't mind being at the spa my few hours a week, working at the desk. I have wonderful friends. So where does this feeling come from?

I just don't know. I have gotten better at ignoring it, at pushing it aside and being thankful for all that I have. It's just that sometimes I can't and I feel unfulfilled in some way.

Does anyone ever get this way? What do you do about it?

A New Hobby

2010-08-19T17:49:00.004-04:00

I have been playing around with my camera, which is nothing fancy, but I figure I should get better before I spend a small fortune on another one. Anyways, I took a bunch of pictures at my sister-in-law's wedding, and have been trying to play around with editing them. I have been using Photoshop.com's online editor since I haven't bought the real thing yet. There are a lot less functions, but it is fine for just starting out. Here is a sneak preview...

Confessions

2010-07-26T19:17:00.003-04:00

I have a problem... I am a shopaholic. I have denied my issues long enough and am finally admitting that my name is Sheenah, and I am a shopaholic.

'What are you talking about?' you may ask. Well, since I finished the class portion of school, I have been on a shopping spree for no good reason. Yes, I have lost weight and needed some new clothes, but I went a bit overboard. And by a bit I mean a lot. I used Loft like it was my own personal closet, have snapped up everything that could possibly go into our home from Marshall's, and have scoured Home Goods for deals. I mainly buy items on sale so I can justify my purchases in my head. I have to stop.

Of course, as I am writing this, I am trolling through Anthropologie's site, thanking God that the closest store is in Tampa. I don't like online shopping because I am a crazily tactile person who has to touch things to determine if I want to buy them. At least it limits the spending.

After realizing what I was doing to my credit card statement, I have put a stop on the spending. For the most part. We have a trip to Alabama for a wedding in less than two weeks and some fun things that we want to plan. I need to try to be responsible and save up for them, so no more shopping for me. I've got a cruise to save up for.

What do you have a hard time saying no to?

Being Over-Sensitive

2010-07-21T11:32:00.003-04:00

I've been struggling lately with a lot of things. I am fighting off feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, and having zero motivation for anything. I am a sensitive person and right now I am more sensitive than ever. I realize that and am keeping that in mind so I don't react to things people say. I have to separate myself sometimes from people and situations so I don't overreact. I have a handle on my reactions, just not on my feelings. It has been hard trying to figure out what I am being over-sensitive to and what is really kind of a dig.

Kyle Roma made me realize that I have had those negative thoughts about myself popping up more and more lately, and I need to fix this myself. I need to approach myself with more confidence and love.

I have to tell myself that while, yes, I am only working 11 hours a week right now because it is the slow season at the Spa and I can't get a full time job anyway because I am about to start more classes, it doesn't mean that I am not worth hiring. Part of this is my choice. Since I am comfortable with my choice in future career, I really need to stop letting comments get to me. I can't tell if they are well meaning or coming from a different place, but they seem snide to me. I don't want to think that since it is coming from a good friend, but I feel like she is trying to discourage me. The comments come in regards to other decisions that Eugene and I are making and it is making me pull away from her so I don't say anything. I need to be confident in myself so she doesn't bother me. Of course, I could be totally wrong in what I think her intentions are, but with everything adding up, I don't think I am. Regardless of what friends think, I am ok with it.

So that was all cloaked and dumb, and without getting into it more, what do you do when a friend seems to be constantly questioning your decisions?

On The Other Side

2010-07-19T19:57:00.002-04:00

Today I was a good daughter. I took my mom in for a colonoscopy. After almost eleven weeks of working in a hospital, wandering everywhere with my EKG cart, I was on the family's side of the curtain. It was interesting, to say the least.

Her procedure was at an outpatient surgery center nearby. We arrived to a packed waiting room, checked in, and had to sit there, pretending to watch the morning news. They called her back and I had to wait while they prepped her before I could go back to wait with her. By the time they called me back to sit with her, she was in a hospital gown, IV in hand and laid out on the stretcher. I thought they might have already given her some tranquilizers to relax her since she was becoming a mixture of observant and giggly. She gets the same way after a few sips of wine. But no, the only thing they had given her was saline.

They were ready to take her away five minutes later and I made my way back to the waiting room. I opened the book I am TRYING to read (I can't get into it and I am over 100 pages committed) and read for a whopping two minutes before an overly friendly girl decided to start up a conversation. Now, I wouldn't say I am unfriendly, in fact, I would say that I am a pretty friendly person in the right circumstances. I am just a little suspicious of randomly overly friendly people that I don't know who insist on starting conversations in odd places. While someone is obviously trying to read. Ok, maybe I can be a little unfriendly. I just found it odd that this twentysomething woman randomly tells me that I am going to be waiting awhile because her mom had been in there forever, how her dad bought a bunch of patio furniture after a colonoscopy, and how OMG we have the same phone, does it drop calls too? I'm sure she was just being friendly but maybe I get weirded out easily. Whatever.

When they called me back to recovery after Mama woke up, I couldn't stop laughing. She was totally trashed. She kept shaking her head, trying to wake herself up further while telling the nurse that her good Armenian genes kept her looking so young. (The nurse had commented that she looked too young to be my mom). I sat with her while she snapped out of it a bit before the nurse told us her instructions for the day.

Before we were ok to leave, I was taking notice of what it was like on the other side. The staff was very friendly and reassuring. The only thing I noticed was they didn't really explain the procedure or anything while family was present. I like to know everything about everything, so that was the only unsettling part. I think that now that I have a little bit of knowledge of the medical field, I was much more comfortable.

Plus, it is always fun listening to Mama when she's had a drink... or Diprivan.

Day 4 of No Job

2010-07-13T16:05:00.002-04:00

Since school started last November, I have not been able to read much or watch much tv. Leisure was something I didn't have time. When my internship started, the constant studying was over and I could actually read for fun again. Since my brain was so fried, I read nothing but what I call fluff. Fun books that don't have a ton of substance. Books that would not make it on any literature class' curriculum.

Now I have had four non weekend days without work or an internship, I have no idea what to do with myself other than clean and watch tv. So far I have watched The City marathon (never saw it before, love Erin and HATE Olivia), The Real Housewives of New York Season 1 marathon (never saw that season), and today it is the final season of The Hills.

Needless to say, my brain is melting. I am also looking for a job, but it is difficult since I am starting school next month and EKG jobs are hard to find.

So, does anyone have any advice as to what I should do with the rest of my free time?

My Love Of Style Yet Lack Of Technological Skill

2010-07-10T15:08:00.001-04:00

I love fashion and decorating. Love. I live in a one bedroom apartment with Eugene, two dogs, and a cat, so sometimes our home style is more functional than fashion. But there are items I love, items I dream about. I tell myself that when I have a full time job, or when we buy a house, or when (fill in the blank) happens, things will be different. I don't honestly know if it will be, but a girl can dream.

When it comes to fashion, I love nothing more than a sale. Seriously. Plus, since I lost twenty pounds, I have more fun trying clothes on. I used to go into a store in an anxiety fueled terror. It isn't so bad anymore. I'm not saying that I'm a size 6, but I am back to the size I was when I met Eugene, which was the smallest I had been since going to college. I am proud of myself, especially since I have been off The Diet since the beginning of May.

Anyway, I practically live at Ann Taylor Loft. They are great with casual dresses which I have really gotten into lately. Plus, the sales they have are AMAZING. The other week regular priced items were 40% off and sale items were an additional 50% off. I got a pair of jeans for $10. I can't tell you how excited that makes me.

If I could figure out Gimp, I would post a bunch of things I've bought and some that I'm drooling over in both the home style and fashion realms. If anyone has any advice, let me know!

The Return of Recipe Friday

2010-07-09T11:44:00.003-04:00

My internship ended on Wednesday and since I have not gotten a job yet, I had a little time on my hands yesterday. I had to get some blood drawn first thing in the morning to see if there is a cause for the constant stomach pain I had for about a week, which of course disappeared as soon as I made an appointment to see the doctor. They stuck me so many times it looks like I have track marks. While grocery shopping, I looked like a well dressed heroin addict.

Anyways, I am a big fan of Hungry Girl and I get her email updates. She posted a recipe for a slow cooked pulled pork sandwich, which is perfect for summer. It was super easy to make and took no time. I love crock pot recipes, though I am never put together enough to get everything ready in advance. It really turned out great. It is lower cal, but doesn't taste that way and Eugene loved it too. I will definitely make this pulled pork again.

So here is the link to Hungry Girl's 'Cue the Pulled Pork. Enjoy!

A Weekend With The Girls

2010-07-03T08:14:00.002-04:00

Last weekend monumental; an epic occurrence that has not happened in I don't even know how long, that's how long I am talking about. It was a girls' weekend. Not just any girls' weekend mind you, but a weekend with my three best friends from high school. The last time we were all together was over two years ago for a wedding. So, to not confuse you during this story, let me introduce you to the cast:

Katie - We met when we were freshmen in high school in drama class and hit it off during our first scene of the year. We were apart for four years when she went to Florida State and I went to Florida, but I love her anyways. She lives ten minutes away from me and endures countless phone calls from me about work since she is a nurse and the only person who knows what I am talking about with crazy hospital stuff. We see each other AT LEAST once a week. We crashed at her apartment for our weekend of girlieness.

Jen - We met in 8th grade when we were both part of one of those huge group of girls who hung out together. Out of that group, she is the only one that I stay in contact with. She too went to Florida State and roomed with Katie. Can I tell you how jealous I was of them in college? I didn't get to live with my best friend. She still lives in Tallahassee right off of campus working while her husband is in the process of getting his PhD in some kind of engineering. We talk probably once a month but it has been a long time since I've seen her.

Chelsea - We also me in 8th grade and I remember riding our bikes around the neighborhood after school. She went to Florida Atlantic University in Boca Raton but lives in Tampa now. We used to be really close despite living far away but have fallen out of contact in the past couple years.

Going in to this weekend, I was honestly a little nervous. I see Katie all the time and while I talked to Jen fairly often, I hadn't seen her in quite some time. Chelsea, well, I was most nervous about seeing Chelsea. I just didn't know what to expect from the weekend. We all used to be so close and I didn't know how it would be with us all together again. Would there be awkward pauses, would I feel uncomfortable, or would it be normal? I felt like I have changed so much in the past few years and I'm sure they have too. Would we even be able to reconnect? I am obviously a crazy worrier with a side of crazy.

We went to a fancy dinner on Friday. The idea was that since we were not spending money on a hotel for a beach weekend, we would go to an extravagant dinner that we would normally not do. We went to Ocean Prime in Tampa, and not only were the prices extravagant, the food was AMAZING. I have seriously never had anything that good in my life. I had Chilean Sea Bass with a champagne truffle sauce and that fish was so light and the sauce so rich that it worked perfectly. We ordered salads and family sized sides. Their house salad had goat cheese (yay!) and apple slices among other things over a bed of lettuce. For sides we ordered asparagus with hollandaise sauce and my favorite, the black truffle mac and cheese. Oh my goodness. I would have eaten nothing but that mac and cheese and been totally happy. We had cocktails that had dry ice in it to make them bubble and smoke. We had a great bottle of sauvignon blanc and I have no idea what kind it was. Our waited was very friendly and let us sit and enjoy our food for what seemed like forever. Then he asked if it was anyone's birthday because then he could get us free dessert. Well, it just happened to be my birthday on Sunday so free dessert for everyone! He asked if we were allergic to anything and then said he would take care of it. He brought out a slice of a chocolate peanut butter mouse cake, creme brulee, and the tallest carrot cake slice I've ever seen. We passed them around I thought I had died and gone to heaven. Everything was that good. The best part, the conversation flowed.

The next day we slept in, made breakfast, and went to the beach. Honeymoon Island is a state park that I love because it is more of a local place and far less busy and touristy than Clearwater Beach. It was beautifully clear that day, the water was warm, it was so hot outside I thought I was going to melt, and it was packed. I'm convinced everyone was there to be able to enjoy the beach before the oil heads down this way. I know I was happy that it was still clear. We ate our Panera sandwiches and a seagull stole half of mine from my hand. Those are some seriously aggressive birds. Plus, isn't it wrong for a bird to eat chicken? Anyway, I alternated laying on a towel with cooling off if the warm water, and reapplying sunblock so I didn't burn. At one point I fell asleep face down on the towel. Can you guess what happened? Yup, severe burn on my back.

We made dinner that night and Katie made me the best birthday cake ever. We had a lot of wine and shared what had been happening in our lives lately. Chelsea and I spent a lot of time talking about how we haven't been talking. We talked about losing touch and needing to have each other in our lives more. It made me so happy to think that we might be able to be closer again. I just hope that it wasn't just wine fueled emotions and that we actually stick to it.

We went to the pool the next day and then watched some My Fair Wedding on WE. In the afternoon I finally went home to spend the rest of my birthday with Eugene.

It was a great weekend and even though we didn't get together because it was my birthday, it made it so much more special because I was with people that have known me for so long and are a part of my heart. Regardless of what happens, of where we end up in life, these three ladies have been a huge part of my life and have helped shape who I am today.

More Decisions

2010-06-12T19:52:00.002-04:00

I've been making a lot of big decisions lately. Well, Eugene and I both have. Since I have been at the hospital (3 weeks left!), I have been questioning my choice of the cath lab. I find it interesting but I am not crazy how you get a patient, perform the procedure, and then ship them on their way. I have become more and more interested in patient care as well as what is wrong with the patient and the treatment of their conditions. I am more interested in the patient as well as the medicine. I can't picture myself being content doing caths for the rest of my career. So I have decided to go to nursing school. It means being in school for a bit longer (understatement) but I think it is the right thing for me. Plus, we have decided to stay in the area for good, and I am confident I can find a job here after I finish school as a nurse. That was not the case with the cath lab.

We decided to stay in the area for the long term instead of moving to Atlanta so we can stay near family and friends. We figured with another big decision that we had been thinking about, we would need family around. We have decided to start trying to have a baby. I know I am still in school and I don't have a career yet, but it feels like the right time. I will have a break between my prerequisites and the start of the program so if everything works out I will have a few months with the baby before classes start. If not, I will just put off the program for a semester.

I have avoided thinking about babies for so long, mainly because it hurt too much. I have wanted to be a mother for as long as I can remember. It is the only thing I have ever really wanted. We are both so excited to start our family. Eugene is just as baby crazy as I am, if not more. Now I just hope I will get pregnant soon.

If you have kids/are pregnant, how long did it take you to get pregnant?

2010-05-02T09:32:00.002-04:00

My externship started this past week. Now, for 40 hours a week, I work as a cardiac tech. I perform EKGs and stress tests on patients in a hospital. I love it. The patient interaction is great, although there are challenges. Some patients don't understand what you are doing despite explaining it and some are not with it enough to ever understand. Despite that, I love being a smiling face for people who are not doing well, trying to introduce a spot of sunshine in their day. I have ten weeks of this and then I will be able to hopefully get hired.

On the diet front, I am doing well. I didn't get to go in this week because I didn't know my schedule in advance, but after three weeks I had lost over 13 pounds. I know I have lost more since then. It can be difficult, but mainly when I am emotional. Otherwise I have no problem with it. I have quickly learned that I am an emotional eater. If I am upset, I want something that is NOT on the diet. I am learning to not let my emotions derail me and I have been really strong.

I just have to keep going.

Happy Easter!

2010-04-04T13:29:00.002-04:00

The gray skies have cleared, the temperature has risen, the flowers are blooming and the trees are green. It is springtime in Florida again! Today, Easter Sunday, I am stuck inside at work when I want to be anywhere else. Of course, when I leave here I have to study for awhile. I have a big test tomorrow and I have not even cracked a book since spring break started a week ago. It has been glorious.

On another note, I have started a new diet. I am do one of those doctor monitored weight loss diets. It sucks. I can't eat any of the foods I love and I have started dreaming about bread. Literally. It is working though, so I have to keep going. I'm still in the first week, but I can already tell a difference. It is working that quickly. Each week, as I check in with the doctor (who will remain nameless because A. he is local and B. I am paying him, not the other way around) I plan on documenting it here. I am not huge but with my height to weight ratio I have come far too close to obese for comfort. I am studying cardio and yet I am letting my own health slip. It just doesn't make sense. So I have decided to make a real change in my life, for my health and my vanity.

This isn't going to become a weight loss blog, but this is now a huge part of my life so it will be featured here.

Muster Up Some Courage

2010-03-14T11:50:00.004-04:00

Eugene had muster duty yesterday. He has one year left in the National Guard before he can be discharged. I was spazzing out all week over what turned out to be all day paperwork. I was seriously freaking out that they might decide that he needs to do something or go somewhere and I honestly didn't know what to do. There was nothing I could do.

Yesterday I woke up when he did and couldn't fall back asleep without him there. I played with my Wii Fit for half an hour before I gave up to play Harry Potter (my new favorite game). I took a shower and then took a nap in my bathrobe. Yup, passed out cold on the couch from stress and exhaustion.

After a two hour nap, Eugene got home and I put myself together. I found out that he just had to fill out paperwork and get a medical check up, along with three shots. Needless to say, he felt like crap by night time.

I am in awe of all the men and women who choose to devote their lives to the military. I fully support them and their choices. I just don't want Eugene to be one of them. I am too selfish for that. Selfish and scared. He is my rock and I don't want to have to do everything I am doing on my own. Hopefully, I won't have to.

School Update

2010-02-28T09:45:00.003-05:00

When I enrolled in a fast paced school, I was nervous about being back in the classroom. Luckily, I easily fell back into stride and have excelled at my classes. Granted, it has totally taken over my life, not to mention pretty much made me abandon my blog, and you fine folks.

After tomorrow, I will have six weeks left in the classroom before I go out on my internship. I am so excited, I can't even take it. I am so ready to be in the hospital, performing ECGs, interpreting rhythm strips, and being useful. I love everything I am doing so much that it really amazes me. I never realized that you could love a career path or that I would be lucky enough to do so.

Dirty Little Secret

2010-02-23T22:11:00.003-05:00

I have a secret. I am not a fan of the Olympics. There, I said it. I can appreciate all the hard work, time, and dedication that the athletes have gone through to make it to this point. I can also appreciate that this is a dream realized for many of them. Despite all these things, I can not make myself give two craps about any of these sports.

I don't know what happened to me. I used to love watching figure skating growing up. I wished that I possessed that kind of grace and beauty. Now I just get bored and feel the need to mock the men's sparkly outfits. Skiing isn't entertaining to me, the luge seems like a sport for people with a death wish, and curling makes me laugh. I actually watched curling for a little while with family, since they all wanted to watch the Olympics, regardless of what sport was on. The best part was when the curling teams would call a time out to discuss strategy. I'm sorry. Isn't this basically shuffleboard on ice?

I'm not sure why these sports bore me so much. Maybe it is because I have zero physical prowess in ANYTHING. Maybe winter sport are especially difficult for someone with zero sense of balance, so I take my frustrations out on these poor athletes. Maybe I am bitter because I am not allowed to ski because of my back problems. Probably not, considering I fall down anyways, with or without a fused spine.

Whatever the reason, the Winter Olympics are not a fun time for me. Because the only time I will willingly watch bobsledding is if Cool Runnings is on.

So Stuck

2010-01-17T09:48:00.002-05:00

Our anniversary is coming up. Eugene and I will have been married for two years on Tuesday. TWO YEARS. It seems like such a little number compared to all the things we been through. It has been a lot. A gargantuan pile of difficult days, trying months, hard work and tears. Yet no matter how bad things got, how many times I felt like we would never catch a break, I knew that we could get through anything as long as we were together.

We are not doing presents this year, since I am in school and barely working. We are going out to dinner at Bascom's Chop House, where we had our wedding reception. What I did want to do as a present was to write something for him. I have had this plan for weeks and yet I still am not sure what to write. I have been thinking of writing the story of the way we met and how I felt. I started it but I feel like it isn't coming out the way I want it to. Granted, I just write by the seat of my pants without much of an idea or outline, so there is no projected final outcome. I do know that if it is good I want to send it to Rachel for The Love Story Project. We'll see.

So does anyone have any advice to get me unstuck?

No Snow, But Still Effing Cold

2010-01-13T19:06:00.001-05:00

The weather forecasters lied. Well, not really since they only said there was a chance of snow, but still. I was hoping for snow. Despite the lack of snow, there was ice on EVERYTHING. This morning, for example, I had to scrape my windshield with my driver's license. Why my driver's license? Because I was worried I'd ruin my credit card and people in Florida do not have ice scrapers.

While I love having seasons and the cold makes me think of my childhood, I am just not used to having it this cold for this long. We have the heat on all day everyday. We have a sheet, two blankets, and a comforter on the bed. I know that it is WAY colder up north, but my blood is too thin for this!

It is supposed to warm up a bit, thank God. I do not like scraping my car. At all.

Snow?

2010-01-08T09:50:00.003-05:00

As I left the house yesterday to drive to school, I was stunned by what I saw; my car was covered in ice. IN FLORIDA. Not even north Florida, but the center of the state on the Gulf. We do not get hard freezes like that normally. I was grinning like a fool as I was driving past fields covered in white. I wished I had my camera with me to take pictures of the frozen trees. It was beautiful.

Rumor has it that we are supposed to get flurries tomorrow. If that happens, I will lose my mind with happiness. The cold and the snow just reminds me of being a kid, playing with such freedom and joy. My brother and I would stay outside until we couldn't feel any parts of our bodies. Our clothes would be heavy with melted snow and would have to be peeled off.

I know that the type of flurries that we might get here will be nothing like the heavy, sticking snow that I grew up with in northern Illinois but I am looking forward to it all the same.

Becoming Better

2009-11-08T19:30:00.003-05:00

This weekend there was a convention of romance writers at the hotel. They were all very nice, enjoying their spa services when they could squeeze them in between their meetings. It was interesting to see the women who write the steamy novels that receive both derision and obsession. Frizzy curls decorated most of the heads of the women. From looks alone, you wouldn't think that these ladies have necessarily experienced great passion. Maybe they have and they wrote their books from experience. Maybe it is all their own personal fantasies. Maybe it is a combination of both.

Observing all these writers, some famous, has left me wondering; how do fiction authors get their ideas? I think, time and again, that I should write, to use my ability and training for something useful. I'm just not sure how to get started or really sure how to go about any of it. I know that part of my problem is a matter of confidence. I blog but I don't consider myself a blogger. I tell myself it is because I don't keep up with it enough to be a real blogger. The truth is, I don't believe what I write is any good.

I need to snap out of this mindset or my writing will never improve. I've created a loop that I am stuck in, a self-fulfilling prophesy of mediocrity. I am better than that. I want to be a better writer, a better person.

What do you want to be better at?

The Great Car Search

2009-11-05T15:45:00.002-05:00

Ahh, car shopping. How I hate it. In April I thought we had found our car and were done. Now that it has been totaled, we are back on the hunt. After the accident, I feel the need to make sure that whatever I get is awesome with safety ratings as well as a bit bigger. If someone hits me, I want them to be damaged.

We went to Nissan and looked for something in our price range. I drove a used Sentra, I think it was a 2006 model, and while it handled great, it was smaller than my 2008 Versa. If we are buying something, it needs to be bigger. While we aren't ready to have kids now, it isn't so far in the future that I can ignore space.

Now, I have always found the Cube hideous, but after getting in, I was starting to like it. I haven't driven it yet, but if it handles like the Versa did, I think I might have my answer. We still have other dealerships to look at, other brands to research.

What do you have and do you love it?

My BRAIN

2009-11-03T22:34:00.002-05:00

Ugh, I have a migraine starting. Eugene and I were at my mom's for family dinner night and I could feel it creeping into the edges of my skull, worming its way in. I feel like the top and sides of my head are going to blow off from the mounting pressure. But in honor of NaBloPoMo, I still came here before collapsing into bed to sleep away the pain. That is how much I love you people on the interwebs.

Oh, I got my hair cut. Maybe I'll post pictures of the horror that it was and the amazingness that it is now tomorrow. And I do realize that I am not fully coherent or using real words. Migraine, remember?

The Crash

2009-11-02T20:36:00.003-05:00

Wednesday started off as a good day. I woke up early to take Winston to the Spay and Neuter Clinic to get neutered. He had started some weird behavior and I was convinced it wouldn't be long before he started humping and spraying things. His new favorite past time was biting my hand while stomping on my arm with one foot.

I dropped Winston off and went home to take a nap. I took my time getting ready and decided to go to Borders to visit some of my old coworkers since it was a few streets away from the clinic. I had a great time catching up with friends that I hadn't seen in almost ten months. I hung out in the cafe, my old stomping ground, smiling at customers like I still worked there. It took me a minute to realize that they probably thought I was flirting since I was a random person grinning at them like a fool. Real smooth. I got a latte before I left, enjoying the taste of Seattle's Best Coffee. Every time I drink it I feel comforted. It reminds me of working with coffee, with feeling like I was great at my job. I know I am glossing over the memories, but I don't look back at my time at Borders feeling unhappy. I liked most of the people I worked with and I loved being near coffee and books.

I picked up Winston who showed his mean side to the vet techs at the clinic. They told me that they discovered likes to bite. I could have told them that. Hell, I could have just showed them my arm and the angry red marks. He was so out of it from the anesthesia. We headed out.

This is the part where I start to get frustrated with myself. I didn't have to take the roads I took. There was no reason that I HAD to be on that road, at that intersection. I took 19 because it was 4pm and traffic was getting bad. 19 is usually faster than McMullen and I was ready to get home. I didn't have to be there. But, I decided to take 19. I took the entrance ramp and was in the merging lane. Someone two cars in front of me stopped in the merge lane. I had to brake more suddenly than I like but I stopped without any problem. Someone behind me did not. I looked into my rear view mirror just before it happened. In that split second I knew this was going to be bad. There was no squeal of tires because she didn't brake. She didn't see me until right before it happened. Oh, did I mention that I was on the phone with Eugene? Yeah. I screamed as the phone flew from my hand. The airbag went off and slammed into my chest as the car behind me pushed me into the SUV in front of me. My foot was flung off the brake and my flip flop came off.

Once my car came to a stop, I was shaking like a leaf as I put the car in park. Winston's carrier was still in the passenger seat and he was jostled but ok. The woman who hit me opened my door to check on me as I started crying, not from pain but from the adrenaline rushing through my system. There was smoke in the car and I couldn't tell if it was from the airbag or if my car was about to blow up. I grabbed Winston's carrier and my purse to move away from the car. I remember thinking that I had to put my shoe on first before getting up because I didn't want to look like one of those rednecks on Cops.

Once I figured out the my car wasn't going to explode, I started frantically searching for my cell phone. I knew Eugene would be panicking and I wasn't sure what he had heard. When the paramedics came, they told me to stay out of the car since the passenger airbag had not gone off and still could. He got my phone for me and I was able to call Eugene. No one was injured or needed to go to the hospital and I am so thankful for this. Winston is great. My car is another story. That thing is totaled. Officially. I will hand it to the Nissan Versa though; the passenger cabin was not affected at all. My muscles are messed up from the impact, but I have no other injuries. I honestly can't believe I am this ok.

The woman who hit me got the ticket and Eugene picked me up as the tow truck got there to take away the remains of my car. At the time, the only thing that hurt was my head and my wrist. It could have been so much worse.

I am lucky. I am so very lucky.

NaBloPoMo

2009-11-01T19:31:00.002-05:00

Since I haven't posted in FOREVER, I decided to join NaBloPoMo to jump start my writing. I figure that if I have a deadline, I will actually do it. Anyways, here goes.

I was so bummed that Halloween came and went with no Trick or Treaters. Eugene and I bought two big bags of candy and there was no one to give it to. Unless Eugene gives it to people at work, there is only one thing to do... eat it myself. While I love Reese's and Kit Kat bars, I don't think eating four pounds of chocolate is the best idea.

That is all I have for today. I'm exhausted from working eleven hours today. Tomorrow I will tell you the story of the awful car accident I was in on Wednesday.

Back To Normal

2009-10-02T14:05:00.003-04:00

The move is over. Finally. I can't believe I haven't posted anything in over a month. Maybe it is because with the move and trying to figure out school and work, not to mention finally starting to feel like myself, well, things have been hectic. On a good note, everything seems to be coming together. I'm not going to go into details yet because I don't want to jinx things. Let's just say I'm optimistic.

A large part of this optimism comes from finally being properly medicated. Now, when things don't happen as I planned or hoped, it doesn't feel like the end of the world. It feels like an obstacle that can be overcome as long as I try. It is an amazing feeling after so many months of feeling like I was on the verge of falling apart.

There are only a few boxes left to unpack, mainly because I don't know what to do with them. I think that is one of the most fun yet difficult parts about moving, deciding how to decorate this new space with the items you already own. Do you keep it similar to the way you arranged things before? Or, do you strike out in a new direction. I have to admit, I am in the mood for a new direction but I'm not sure exactly which direction that is. Ah, decisions.

Overall, I am enjoying my life again. Yay.

Reads A Lot... With 100% Less Melodrama!

2009-08-24T16:17:00.003-04:00

Thanks for the comments guys. I shook myself out of my funk and am feeling better. I even went to one school today to check it out and have an appointment tomorrow at a second school. Either way, I am getting this thing going.

I think the job thing just threw me. I mean, the spa was where I could always go and to be told that they didn't have room for me three weeks after I started was a slap in the face. Plus the way it was said made it seem like I just showed up and started working of my own volition. Anyway, I may be able to work for a neighbor of my mom's doing data entry for her business part time while I go to school.

My mom is also being great and helping me with the doctor thing. I have an appointment tomorrow and should be feeling better shortly.

I'm sorry things have been so melodramatic here lately. I think that the move and all the things that were not working out just overloaded me until I broke. I'm glad you all have stuck around despite my moaning and groaning, just like Eugene keeps sticking around despite the knocks that I keep dealing him. I know that going back on the medication is the right thing, especially because it makes me normal, myself. It is the person I am without it that I am not a fan of. I the end, that is how I know that I really do need it.

Too Much

2009-08-22T15:12:00.002-04:00

Do you ever feel like you are drowning? Like Life is a person, an entity and it is out to get YOU. It is a living breathing monster that has it out for you, for whatever reason, whatever slight you may have unknowingly caused. It doesn't care about anyone else; you are the target. Is this totally self-centered? Yes, of course.

Rationally, I know that life or God or whatever does not have it out for me. My stupidly smiling face is not on a poster with darts in my forehead. Today, well, today it just feels that way. The classes at the community college? Gone. The job that was two days a week? Gone due to people not communicating properly. My health? Very shaky. I am losing my equilibrium and it is freaking me out. My mental status? Here goes. I can't do it anymore. I need to go back on the antidepressants but can't afford the doctor trip that will get said antidepressants. I also, surprise, can't get up the motivation to find another way. I know other people have it worse, that I still have Eugene who for whatever reason still loves me despite the lack of work, school, health, and sanity.

Overall, today I just feel like I am done. I am defeated. I quit. Today, I give up. I will sit in my mother's home with our ancient dog and try not to cry. Only because I'm worried I won't be able to stop.

Movies, Inspiration, and The Destruction of All Things Technological

2009-08-21T22:03:00.003-04:00

I saw Julie and Julia the other weekend. I LOVED it. I had already read the book and now am totally obsessed with the blog. It makes me not only want to cook more, but also to start something that I am forced to finish. Of course I am supposed to start school, but I have to find one that isn't such a piece of shit that it makes me want to shank someone. I would go into it, but my computer hates it's power cord that doesn't really go to it and it needs a battery and I am using Eugene's laptop that is currently trying to commit suicide. I can't even tell you how long it takes to type this post. Also, our DVD player finally died.

After Vanessa's comment, I think I will add the Pay Pal button, once the move and subsequent insanity are over.

Possible Freebies and Sone New Rules

2009-08-19T18:38:00.002-04:00

I just enabled the comment moderation due to some pervert that likes to write gross things to make up or obvious inadequacies. So your comments will take a little while to show up now. Sorry to all the people who write the wonderful and supportive comments.

I am getting ready to move and going through some of my things, like my books. There are some that I would love to give away to whoever wants them but I have a problem. I really can't afford to spend money on shipping right now. So here's the question for you all. If you got a fee book out of it, would you be willing to foot the shipping bill? I would just add a Pay Pal button to do this and would probably need someone to tell me how to do this.

Let me know what you think!

Back To Work/ An Old Friend

2009-08-14T19:05:00.001-04:00

This past weekend I was back in East Lake, staying with my best friend Katie in her amazing house. I was there to start work again at the Spa, the same spa that I have been working at on and off since I was 16. The same spa where I dated a pool boy for about a week before he slept with his best friend’s girlfriend (all of whom worked at the spa as well), where he had asked me out and then ended it in the corridors of the hotel. The same spa that I worked at when Eugene and I got engaged and moved in together. This place has seen me through a lot.
Before my big first day back, I had the third wheel but don’t actually feel that way night with Katie and Mike. We went to see a band called Stormbringer, who is composed of aging rockers that specialize in the 80s. They were fun to watch, as were the groupies. There is nothing like watching people your parents’ age or older rock out in a bar.

My first two days were nothing out of the ordinary. I was pleasantly surprised at how much I remember from two and a half years ago. By this weekend I should have everything down. I ended up having to stay over on Sunday night as well so I could meet with the HR person on Monday. She was nice but forgot to get me the drug test paperwork so I didn’t get it till Thursday and then she tried to tell me that I had to do it before coming back to work and I was all, “What?” and she was all “Mmm hmm.” and then I talked to my boss and reassured her that I am not a crack head and she said I could just take the test Monday. Deep breath. So then I was off to Gainesville.

Yup, Gainesville. Why did I return to the land of my college years on a Monday afternoon you ask? It was to meet up with a very close friend that I had lost touch with after deciding that I could no longer tolerate being near her boyfriend. Wow that sounds harsh of me. It really wasn’t that I am the person who decides they don’t like your significant other and then ends a friendship. This was three years, one of which living with both of them, in the making. I still wanted to be friends with her, but also understood that they had been together almost as long as we had been friends. I knew that I couldn’t handle being around him anymore for my own failing sanity’s sake.

So there I was in the downtown Starbucks, nervously glancing at my phone every three minutes to check the time while trying to lose myself in Cleopatra’s life. She called and drove over to meet me. She arrived, gave me a hug and sat down. Honestly, I was still nervous for awhile but soon we drifted back into our share everything mode, reminiscent of our days as best friends and roommates. We drove over to Emmiliano’s, a great Latin restaurant with an awesome half off wine bottle special. We ate tapas, drank wine and caught up with the last three years. By the end of the night, I was so happy that I had my friend back, in whatever shape it takes.

A Little Bit of This...

2009-08-14T00:11:00.002-04:00

I'm totally exhausted and really must get to bed but I have a few updates first.

Update 1: I found an apartment today! I'm so excited that I don't have to look anymore but am also stressed that now I have to pack. And get rid of half our stuff. Oh yeah, it is a one bedroom.

Update 2: School starts in a week and a half! Argh! I am nervous, which is stupid. I have been to college before and already have a Bachelor's degree. What is another AS? But then again, what if nobody likes meeeee? Ok, over my 12 year old moment.

Update 3: I started my part time job this past weekend and now I feel less bum-like. Although, I am happy to announce a better phrase I learned for unemployed person that makes it sound WAY better: displaced worker. Doesn't that just make you feel so much better about not pulling in a paycheck? You know, aside from that whole I get $86 a week from the government.

Update 4: I am 70 pages away from finishing The Memoirs of Cleopatra, a ridiculously long book. It has been good but really did not need that much detail. After awhile, I stopped caring and now will finish it because A BOOK WILL NOT DEFEAT ME!

Anyone else have any updates?

Molly's Challenge

2009-08-04T17:37:00.002-04:00

I am joining Molly's Challenge to lose weight/live healthier. This past week was the first week on it and while I think I did ok overall, there were some slip ups. My goal is to lose ten ponds by the end of the month. I would feel a lot more comfortable in my own skin and I think losing weight will help relieve my asthma a bit.

The Challenge Week 1

Well, my goal of losing ten pounds by the end of the month has not gotten the best start. Sometimes I have issues with self control when it comes to food. Along with those issues, food has always been my comfort, even when I hate myself for what and how much I am eating. Messed up? Of course. That is why I am overweight.

Anyway, I started off very positive and motivated. I would eat better. I would work out. I would leave the house, disabling the hermit-like behavior I have indulged in after losing my job over three months ago. Two out of three isn’t so bad, right?
Aside from eating some Ben & Jerry’s (my throat hurt) and some McDonald’s chicken nuggets (it was lunch AND dinner), I did ok. I made it out of the house two days on my own and on Saturday Eugene and I spend the day running errands and sitting at Barnes and Noble. I made better choices when eating out, ordering a low calorie Mediterranean wrap from Jason’s Deli instead of the meat and cheese fest that Eugene ate.

As for the weight loss aspect, I only lost one pound. I started at 169 and I am down to 168. I have realized that I am going to have to suck it up and actually exercise to lose this weight. This is not a matter of my body; it is a struggle with my mind. I need to overcome the notion that exercise is not fun, that I don’t want to sweat, that I would rather continue watching a marathon of NCIS on tv.

My plan for this week is along with starting a part time job (yay!) and continuing to make smarter choices with what I eat, is to actually get up and exercise. I will do something three times this week and hopefully that will reflect in what I weigh this time next week.

Starting Again

2009-07-26T15:12:00.003-04:00

I did it. I actually registered for classes at Hillsborough Community College and they start August 24. I am so excited but also nervous, of course. I haven't been in an actual classroom since fall of 2006. Three years.

I had trouble registering for the classes online. every single time I clicked on the class to sign up, it kept telling me that I had an email that I did not have, and I couldn't actually register. The first day it didn't work, called the campus advisors and waited on hold for 45 minutes before someone picked up. I explained the problem and she quickly said I needed to talk to a different department and connected me. I waited on hold for another 30 minutes before I gave up.

I called again the next morning and only had to wait about 35 minutes to speak to Al, a really nice guy. I explained the problem and showed him step by step what I was doing. Silly me, not only had I clicked on the link to only LOOK at the sections, I also looked past the place where you check off what classes you want to take. Oops. That was when I felt like I had taken too much time off before getting back into school. I felt OLD. At 25. Ugh. I told Al that it had been a long time since I last registered for classes since I already had a degree. Apparently, I made it sound like I was 50, not just 25. I think I need to get over this.

So, I am registered for the classes I need to get into the program for Diagnostic Digital Sonography. I have to get all A's to get into the program. I am so flipping nervous because it has been FOREVER since I took a science class. I have to take Anatomy and Physiology 1 with a lab and Physics 1 with a lab.

Our move back to Tampa is also settled. I have a weekend job starting soon at the spa where my mom works and I will be splitting up my time on the coast between my mom's place and Katie's house. On the days I don't have classes or work, I will be back in Orlando with Eugene until he gets a job in Tampa. Hopefully he will find one soon. I hate being away from him.

So here we are, starting a new chapter in an old and familiar place.

Friends?

2009-07-14T18:30:00.003-04:00

It has been a busy few days. Well, busy for me. An old roommate of mine came to stay on her way home from Gainesville. Eugene and I had drinks with our two friends in Orlando. (They are moving to DC in a couple of weeks so we are DEFINITELY leaving this place.) We went to a family cookout and then to Fun Spot. We went to the Rays game and stayed with my mom. It was a busy few days.

For the most part it was a good time all around, but there were a few bumps. In addition to these bumps, I am now dealing with the fallout. Nothing overtly happened. I just felt increasingly uncomfortable, like I have the past few times we have hung out. I don't want to go into it too much right now, mainly because I am worried about if this is easy to find. It is the first time I have felt weird about this blog.

So here are the questions. How do I feel like I am not exposing myself while staying true to what I wanted to do with this blog? Also, how do you effectively distance yourself from someone who makes you feel uncomfortable?

My Head. It Explodes.

2009-07-10T00:08:00.002-04:00

For the past 9 months or so, I have been getting migraines. At least, I think they are migraines. They hurt like a son of a bitch and sometimes nothing helps but sleeping it off in a dark room. It hurts to have my eyes open and light is no longer my friend. Maybe I'm turning into a vampire, who knows?

So today, I started to feel a headache coming on that seemed a little worse than the normal kind, so I made a mental note to take my Excedrin Migraine (the ONLY medication that touches it) after I finished the dishes. Except I forgot. One trip to the grocery store, cooking dinner and sitting down to eat it later and I was ready to die. It felt like half of my head was going to separate itself from my body and shoot off to places unknown, because it hates me that much. I took my pill and waited for it to kick in.

My friend, Laura, is staying with us tonight to break up her trip from Gainesville to South Florida. She used to work for a chiropractor, so she immediately started messing with my neck with the express instructions from me to not crack it. I am not really interested in becoming paralyzed from an amateur chiropractor. But. She pressed on some spot on my neck and all of a sudden my head stopped hurting. I felt like my brain was not trying to escape my skull anymore. It was AMAZING. Of course, it started up again once she stopped poking at my neck, but it was so much less. I had no idea that going to a chiropractor could do anything like that.

Due to the metal rods in my back, I have not seen a chiropractor since before my surgery, for obvious reasons. I also didn't know that adjusting the little parts of my spine that are not fused would have such an impact. Man, I REALLY wish we had insurance so I could get these migraines taken care of.

What seemingly strange remedies have you found work for your ailments?

A Sneak Peek

2009-07-08T00:44:00.003-04:00

I started a post about our vacation but then I realized that I don't have enough energy right now to write something cohesive, so I'll just post a few tidbits right now.

1. Houston is hotter than the surface of the sun. I mean, it was hotter than southern MEXICO. 116 degrees. Insanity!

2. Speaking of insanity, if some kid comes up to you and says that the guys down the street made a comment about dragging you off to beat you for making them move away from your house while setting off fireworks, in Texas, it is ok to go grab your SHOTGUN and say "let them try." When this happened, I may have shouted, "What the fuck are you doing? You live in the suburbs!" in front of my in-laws. And children. Oops.

3. The best way to cure a horrific hangover is to sweat it out in the Mexican countryside, climbing Mayan ruins. Seriously.

4. I want to win the lottery so I can spend a lot more time on cruises. Where did my turn down service go? My three course dinners? My towel animal waiting on my bed with chocolates and tomorrow's itinerary? Come back, Carnival Ecstasy!

5. Beth, my mother in law, may have been sending me hints about her need for more grandchildren by dangling infants in front of me. Devious, that one.

A real post accompanied by pictures to follow if I ever get my act together. Unemployment seems to have given me ADD. That and copious amounts of television.

Cruise Countdown

2009-06-23T15:45:00.002-04:00

I am so flipping excited. We fly to Houston on Friday for our family cruise to Mexico. My in-laws are taking the family on a cruise to celebrate Eugene's stepdad, David's, 60th birthday. We are flying to Houston to meet with everyone and sail from Galveston, Texas. We have two stops on the cruise, Cozumel and Progresso.

I cannot wait for this trip. I have been kind of blue lately with the job hunt not going well and all the family stuff. Eugene really needs this trip too. He is so unhappy at work and I just hope that this will lift his spirits a bit. Neither one of us has ever left the country, so I think this will be what gets us started in all the traveling that we want to do.

I am somewhat nervous about the whole cruise part of this vacation. I am a very fair skinned person but I used to tan really well. I stopped tanning at all a few years ago and embraced my pale, pale skin. The only problem is that I now burn immediately. No joke. Leave me in the sun for half an hour and I am a tomato. I have to be really careful so I don't get sun poisoning like I did on the honeymoon.

I am also concerned about melting into a puddle. I am not a fan of heat, especially when it causes sweating. This may be why I avoid exercising. But southern Mexico? At the end of June? I may not make it. I'm just saying.

Also, as a side note, I am freaking out because I did not lose any weight before this trip. I am a whale. To compensate, I am working out every day until we leave. My butt already hates me.

A New Direction?

2009-06-18T18:47:00.002-04:00

I have been racking my brain for weeks trying to figure out what to do next. I feel like I need some direction career-wise. It has been so frustrating realizing that in this market, my degree does not mean that much. I have come to the conclusion that I need to go back to school, to get training for something that may actually lead to work.

Lately, I have been seriously doubting my previous goal of becoming a teacher. I would only want to do it if I had a Master's but I am not sure I really want to do it at all.

Now I am leaning toward something medical. Some kind of tech or maybe a respiratory therapist. I'm not sure. I still have a lot more researching to do before I decide what to pursue. I have always been interested in the medical field and used to want to become a doctor. While I am sure that being a doctor is definitely not for me, I find medicine really interesting.

Is anyone in the medical field and have any ideas/pointers? I can use all the help and advice I can get.

Update

2009-06-15T13:05:00.001-04:00

My dad let me know last night that they got the go ahead to fly today. They should be on the plane to Chicago right now. I'm just so glad that they thought he was well enough to fly.

A Week At The Beach

2009-06-14T15:00:00.003-04:00

My grandpa is in the hospital. I have been at their condo in Daytona Beach Shores with him, my grandma, and my dad since Tuesday, trying to pack them us so they can return to Illinois on Monday. It has been... trying. Grandma Kate has Alzheimer's Disease which has advanced since the last time I saw her. It isn't just the forgetting anymore, it is the frustrated, paranoid, snippiness that is tough. I can answer the same questions over and over again without getting frustrated, but packing her suitcases while she keeps taking things out of them, convinced that someone at the airport will steal her million-year-old velcro curlers was difficult.

Grandad can barely walk, shuffling around while using his cane or balance. His feet and ankles were just shocking. Swelled up to huge proportions, something he says began after his first heart surgery (in his 40's. He is about to turn 80.) which just seems to be getting worse and worse. It wasn't just the swelling that scared me, it was the color. His lower legs and feet were dark, a purply-red, as if all his blood was just pooling in his lower body. Daddy and I would rub them, trying to coax the liquid up, away from his feet.

I finally came home last night, wishing Grandma Kate a good flight while trying not to wake Grandad who was finally getting some much needed sleep on the couch. My dad texted me today, Grandad gave in to his kids and checked himself into the hospital after water blisters started forming on his skin. My dad is there now while his aunt Dolly stays with Grandma Kate.

I think I may be heading back to Daytona tomorrow.

Awesome

2009-06-06T00:19:00.004-04:00

I got back today from Atlanta and was checking in on some of my favorite blogs. I just got the best surprise! Sarah thinks I'm awesome! In fact, I am the Queen of All Things Awesome. So now I have to list seven awesome things about myself and pass it on to seven other awesome bloggers. Hmm.

1. I have the awesome ability to read super fast.

2. I am awesome at cooking when I get the motivation for a full on meal.

3. I have an awesome little family made up of my hubby and the fur babies.

4. I am being awesomely adventurous by embracing moving to a new city.

5. I have an awesome friend who is willing to let me inhabit her apartment when I'm in Atlanta and torment her cat.

6. I have the awesome ability to sleep ANYWHERE. Seriously. If I'm tired, I'm out.

7. I have an awesome husband who I have missed this week.

Here are my pick for some more Awesomeness:

1. Random Ramblings About My Crazy Life

2. Confessions of a Jersey Girl

3. These Little Moments

4. haute.pocket

5. Chelsea Talks Smack

6. Zimmerhouse (I know you are busy but I miss reading!)

7. A Spoonful of Sarah (I realize that she sent this to me, but I do think she is awesome!)

Sleep Deprived

2009-06-02T09:40:00.002-04:00

I can't sleep. I try. I read until I can't keep my eyes open, turn off the light, and lay there for at least another hour. If this was regular insomnia, I would be less frustrated. This? This is I Can't Sleep Without You Insomnia, a less common but more infuriating strain.

I am in Atlanta this week, staying with one of my best friends, looking for work. If I get a job, this is where I will live until Eugene can get up here. The problem is I physically can not sleep without him next to me. I always knew that I slept better with him there. I had sleep apnea before and now I don't, so it has been a pretty vast improvement. I just didn't know that I now REQUIRED him to be there. I thought it was just a comfort/love thing. Nope. Not the case.

I feel weak. I feel even more dependent than I did before. I feel like I gave up my independence in some way, even though I obviously didn't or I wouldn't be here, without him. I just know that I miss him so much it hurts and it has only been two nights.

I think it will be easier tomorrow after I finally sleep. Which I plan to with the help of my friend, Tylenol PM.

Loser

2009-05-28T12:53:00.003-04:00

I gave up. Stupid diet. It wasn't the hunger that got to me, it was the headaches. The headaches from a LACK OF FOOD. I think I could lose weight by not eating everything I see, so I'm gonna try that for awhile. We'll see.

I wanted to try ear staples like Vanessa, but I can't find anyone who does it. Plus, I don't have money. There is always that.

I will be spending the week in Atlanta to look for a job next week. Any bloggers there? Have any job tips?

Diet Update

2009-05-27T14:47:00.002-04:00

I completed week one and in those four days on the diet I lost over five pounds. I took four days off instead of three and put four of those pounds back on. Looking back on what I ate on my days off, I know I didn't eat as well as I should. I ate cake. A lot of it. I baked cookies. I ate steak and mashed potatoes. I had chips and cheesy salsa. I was bad.

I started again yesterday. It is working but I am bored today. When I am bored, I snack. The snacking is the reason I weigh this much. So I am trying to stay occupied so I won't be tempted to eat. I am exhausted today so I don't really feel like going anywhere and I am struggling to find something to do.

Any suggestions?

The Book of Love

2009-05-24T18:35:00.002-04:00

I recently finished The Book of Love by Kathleen McGowan. I have been looking forward to this book ever since I read The Expected One about a year ago. I tore through the first book and wanted more as soon as I was finished. When I brought home The Book of Love, I was excited to become lost in the protagonist's, Maureen Paschal's, journey.

I was not disappointed. I was able to really enjoy this book as it had a slower pace than the first in McGowan's Magdalene Line series. As a lover of history and historical fiction, I loved the segments about Matilda of Canossa, maybe more than I liked the present day portions of the story. McGowan is a talented writer, who guides you through the story, which she claims are some of her own personal experiences, and leaves you wanting more. I can only hope that she adds some of those abandoned 1,000 pages to her website to give those who want more something to satiate their appetites.

I look forward to her upcoming books.

Meeting Your Idol

2009-05-21T21:59:00.001-04:00

This past weekend Eugene and I went to Atlanta to visit friends. I picked this weekend because Jen Lancaster was in town on her book tour. She is, as the title suggests, my idol. I love her sense of humor, the way she says what she's thinking without apology, and how she took an impossible situation and turned it into her future. My friend Stacey and I dressed the part of nerdball fans in full 80's regalia. We were worried we were slightly over the top and looked like crazed fangirls; we were barely passable. There were some amazing getups in that Barnes & Noble.

We listened to her read a chapter from her latest book Pretty in Plaid as we stood about ten feet behind her, bummed that all the prime real estate had been taken by people who got there early. She read the chapter about her time in the Girl Scouts, a chapter I enjoyed despite ending my Girl Scout career after Brownies were over. She took questions for awhile and was just as funny and open in person as she is on her blog and in her books.

Since we had arrived so late, we had to wait awhile to be allowed in line for her to sign our books. There were over 300 people there. We got coffee, looked at the bargain books, and settled in to read about how to tame our evil kittens while we waited for our color to be called. Finally, we were able to stand in line, chatting with our fellow fans. There was one woman a few people ahead of us who actually was wearing an 80's prom dress.

When it was our turn to meet her, I scrambled for something to say, anything to make an impression, to feel like I was deserving of speaking to her despite the eight hour drive. I think I managed "I love your books." Of course, Stacey had a while thing planned out with a tip of something she could use for one of her upcoming books about doing things she doesn't like. I just stood there smiling. Like an ASSHOLE. We took pictures with her and then headed on our way to find Eugene, who like the trooper he is, had waited patiently in the bookstore for over three hours. I kept replaying the meeting in my head and I came up with this. EPIC FAIL.

I am now more bonded with my friend Chelsea, who when meeting her idol Rachael Ray said, "You're great" and left it at that.

Trying Something New

2009-05-19T20:06:00.003-04:00

I have struggled with my weight as long as I can remember. Even when I was younger and not overweight, I felt big. Fat. Ugly. Part of that was from wearing a back brace, part of that was in my head. I started putting on weight in middle school, lost a little a couple months in high school during a complication from surgery, then put it all back on and more. In college, well, I gained and lost weight continuously. I tried a lot of different things in order to lose weight. Diets never seemed to stick and neither did working out. I tried various diet pills that would make me nauseous or make my heart race. There is nothing like feeling like you are having a heart attack during a Shakespeare class. My weight has always stayed close to the same range when I am not dieting, yet it slowly climbs upward with time.

Now that I am unemployed, I am super stressed. I worry about money and whether or not I will find a decent job before my car payment is due. I worry about living in the same complex that I was let go from and whether or not they are going to come through with the commission check that I earned that I have not been paid. Obviously, I worry. Along with my level of stress, my weight has started to climb again. Just a couple of pounds, but enough that I am not comfortable with the body that has always had an extra layer or two on it.

I started something new yesterday. It is a diet that I have not failed at in the past. It was formulated for heart patients who needed to lose weight before they are allowed to have open heart surgery. It is extreme. I have handled the first two days well so far because it only lasts for four days at a time. You eat strictly formulated meals for four days and then you are allowed to eat normally. Knowing that on Friday I get to eat real food has helped my willpower. So has the fact that I know I will lose weight on this.

So here I go. Hopefully, I will soon be healthier and much thinner.

Tiny Baby Kitten Winston

2009-05-05T21:10:00.013-04:00

I taught Winston to climb up the couch by himself last week. I am a stupid, stupid person. He climbed up to our bed today. The one place he is not allowed due to my severe cat allergies and impending asthma attack. Of course, I am such a sucker for tiny animals that I will ignore common sense and doctors to adopt a baby kitten despite the probability that it will kill me. Again, a stupid, stupid person.

Anyways, I have promised pictures of the little terror, so here they are.

Here he is when we first got him. He was two weeks old and was not walking upright yet, just kind of scooching along, almost a crawl/walk. His sucking abilities weren't that good, so we had to feed him with a bird syringe.

Winston was a little goofy looking at the time. His ears were kind of on the sides

of his head. We were a little worried that they would stay that way.We were worried that Hershey would eat Winston, or at least try to in order to protect his claim as the little one, but he actually seemed to like him. He was always concerned at every noise he made, acting like a proud papa instead of a jealous sibling.

Stacey came for a day and brought her kitten Riley to visit. Riley did not like Winston when he was awake, but if they were both asleep, they got along just fine.

Hygiene is very important to Winston. Since he has not mastered cleaning himself yet, we give him a hand here and there.

Eugene is totally and completely crazy about this cat, despite not being a cat person. There is just something about a kitten, I guess. Now that he is older, Winston is also starting to look like a cat and less like a gerbil.

Midnight was afraid of such a tiny, moving furball, but now that he plays, they are getting along just fine.

Granted, they don't always feel this way.

Overall, he can be sweet when he wants to be but I think that Hershey has competition for demon of the household.

Unemployment: Week 1

2009-05-02T19:33:00.002-04:00

I have been without work for a week. Kill me. I apply for jobs while trying to figure out what it is that I want to do. I don't have an answer to that. I just, I don't know.

I tried to be optimistic. This would be a good thing. I would go to the gym constantly since I would have free time. I thought that I would read a lot and catch up on movies. I would blog all the time. So far, not so much. I wallowed this week. I applied for jobs and then laid in bed.

I can't adequately describe how applying for jobs makes me feel. Intense rage mixed with a sense of failure comes to mind. I just feel hate.

I am planning on this being a better week. Eugene and I are going to a yoga class tomorrow morning because I need to work out and do something to calm me down. I have been on edge this past week (just a bit) and need to chill the crap out.

If anyone has any suggestions on ways to cope/places in the Orlando area to apply to, PLEASE let me know. I am drowning a bit.

Also, tiny baby kitten Winston bit me in the neck today. I have a hickey from a one pound kitten. Yup, this is my life.

Day 1 of Boredom

2009-04-28T11:59:00.004-04:00

Yesterday was the first official day of my unemployment. Here is a brief rundown of my day.

9:00am: Wake up and immediately go to the computer. It is time to start looking for jobs.

9:15: Hmm, I wonder if they posted my job or if they are actually "going another direction." Not there... yet.

9:30: Oops, forgot to feed the kitten. Now must make him pee. Kittens are gross.

11:00: Text Eugene to see what he is up to. Decide on a time for lunch.

12:00pm: Get ready for lunch with Eugene. Grab loan papers for the car we bought days before I was let go to sign and send in.

1:00: Get to Eugene's work. Look at all these smug working people. Oooh, so awesome because you have a job, whatever. Hmm, need to work on staying positive and not a horrible bitter person.

1:15: A notary public charges $10 per page they sign? WTF?

1:30: Quiznos is yummy and cheap now that they are trying to battle Subway in the who has a less expensive sandwich game. Gotta love that competition.

2:00: Call Kaitlin and commiserate on being without work. Granted, hers was voluntary. Am now freaking out about not only finding a job, but deciding on a career. What do I really want to do? Oh God, did I get a degree in the wrong thing? Is the rest of my professional life doomed to failure because I majored in English?

3:45: Feed kitten again. He eats out of a dish now but is still eating formula. This basically means that he bathes in his food while eating it. Yum.

4:00: Winston is now 4 1/2 weeks old and is still not using a litter box. Sometimes he goes on his own, but on the carpet. New goal for the day, make tiny baby kitten use a litter box like a big boy.

4:15: Quiznos was a bad idea. Feel gross. No gym tonight.

4:30: Gave up and just made him pee myself. I did it over the litter box instead of the toilet this time so maybe it can be counted as a half victory. I am, however, slightly alarmed that he does not seem to understand the purpose of the litter box at all. Take dogs out. Am now the animal evacuation captain. My sole job in life seems to be to make them poop.

4:45: Apply for a couple more jobs. Hate hate hate.

5:00: Forget this noise. Time to watch the Twilight documentary and then movie. Yay for cheese ball vampire romance!

9:00: Eugene comes home from the gym with chicken thighs instead of breasts. Oh well. Experiment with spices and bake the thighs while cooking corn on the cob and pasta. Random meal.

9:45: Tivo'd House! I heart Hugh Laurie and want him for my cantankerous doctor. Except that would mean that I was dying or something and he would probably almost kill me some more before berating me and bringing me back. Hmm, still worth it?

11:00: Daily Show! Ugh, not tired because I didn't DO anything but I am tired of being awake. Will myself to fall asleep. Oh wait, after Colbert.

What Happened.

2009-04-27T12:01:00.003-04:00

I'm really not sure what happened. I have been replaying the past two and a half months to figure our what I did that was so bad that I was let go. Let go. I hate that term. It is in between being fired and being laid off yet it doesn't provide any answers. I think the worst part about all of this is that I don't get any explanation. At all. I didn't know that you could be let go without telling you a reason. Apparently, you can.

I'm frustrated because I was working so hard, staying late most nights making sure everything was done, off the clock, I might add. Overtime was not allowed yet things need to get done before you leave. Of course, that means staying off the clock. Home office did not allow this, but I was told early on at my branch that this was the norm.

I stayed without complaint, usually the last one in the office. I made sure everything was done. I had seven leases in the last three days I was there. As an assistant manager, leasing was a responsibility but not my usual function. I was told I would still be paid for those leases. I hope they stick to that.

Friday I was in shock and then upset. I cried a little. Saturday I was angry and then sad after I drank a lot. Sunday I felt like a failure. Today I applied for jobs. I still feel like a failure. I wonder why I am not in a career like all my friends have found after they graduated. Am I looking for the wrong thing? Am I not really looking for a career right now and just a quick fix? I am trying to not be too moody and morose. I want to be optimistic, to think that this is for the best. I liked my job, but I didn't love it. I didn't dread going to work, but I wasn't excited. Maybe now I can find something that will make me feel happy about my job, not just happy to have a job.

I know there are many people who are going through the same situation right now. They are unemployed and looking for work, feeling like there may be something wrong with them since they were the one to be let go. I know I'm not special in this situation. I am just totally frustrated at the timing. Eugene went through this for two and a half months. I feel like we are not even totally settled in Orlando yet and to top it all off, we just bought a car. I hate myself for saying this, but sometimes I wonder, why is my life so hard? How come I don't seem to catch a break? What is wrong with me?

Ok, pity party is over. As is this rambling post. At least I will have more time to blog now. I sense picture posts in my future detailing the life of a tiny baby kitten named Winston.

Bitter Is The New Me

2009-04-26T00:28:00.002-04:00

I had to convince myself to be confident. After the last job, that was the only way to seem competant. Now, I know that pretending didn't really get me anywhere. Just falsly confident with a job that wouldn't last. I don't think that I have the soberness/whatever gto write about it right now. I just felt that maybe I should put it out there aftger feel ing so awful about myself. I guess I will write more when I feel like I am able to convey my feelings.

Thanks guys.

I Am Mobile

2009-04-21T08:42:00.002-04:00

We bought a car last night!!! When I test drove it, I actually got excited about this car. I hadn't gotten excited about any car while we were looking so it was a big deal for me to actually want a car. We even got everything we wanted. Pictures will follow since I have to run to work now. But YAY! A car!

Building Myself Back Up

2009-04-19T12:59:00.002-04:00

When I left my last job, I was ecstatic. I was so tired of being told how stupid I was, how I was not a real manager, how despite every horrible and hurtful thing my GM said to me, he kept piling more and more responsibility on me without any semblance of monetary compensation. I used to tell myself that if I made more money it wouldn't seem so bad. Maybe if I was just a manager and not the barista as well I wouldn't cry before work. Maybe it was just the stress of having an unemployed husband that was giving me panic attacks every day.

When Eugene told me that he got a job and that it was in Orlando, all I could feel was relief. Not that we would have enough money to pay rent, but that it meant that I WAS FREE. I couldn't remember smiling that much in a long time.

I thought that once I was out of that door, free from the management that tore down every bit of confidence and self esteem that I had, I would go back to normal. I would be confident in my abilities, knowing that I was doing a good job in work. Excelling at something, anything, drives me.

This really hasn't been the case. I never realized that three and a half months of being constantly cut down and belittled would demolish my confidence like it has. I have become timid, always questioning myself, and it is affecting my job now. I have had to make a conscious decision to act confident, like I am sure of myself and I know what I'm doing, so that maybe one day I will believe it. I have begun to act my ass off and I think it is starting to pay off.

Musings On My Blackberry

2009-04-17T14:04:00.000-04:00

I finally got my Blackberry to use the internet. Granted, I am not sure how to do everything yet. For example, how do I set a homepage instead of seeing all the things that sprint wants me to buy? I'm not really sure how to do a lot of things on here, but I love it anyway! Yay Blackberry!

Pins and Needles

2009-04-06T08:35:00.003-04:00

I have always been interested in acupuncture. I know that Western Medicine is limited and have been on the receiving end of Chinese Medicine that has healed me. Now, I am trying to take a cue from Vanessa and try it for weight loss.

So far, I think I am going to the wrong place. Everyone is very nice, but I feel that they are ignoring what I am saying without explaining why. Finally, I told them again what I was interested in and they said that it isn't like a diet pill, all the energy must be properly distributed before it will work properly. Apparently I have some stuff wrong with me and they want to fix that first. My kidney pulse is weak and I have the "quiet desperation" pulse. I have no idea what I am so desperate about, but now they think something is horribly wrong in my life.

I have decided to start looking around for another acupuncturist, since these people are not even venturing NEAR my ears. Plus, each time I go, they give me some new herbal supplement that costs more and does nothing but make me rush for the bathroom. I know of tea that will do that which does not cost over $20.

I know this is not a quick miracle fix, but shouldn't I expect SOME kind of results at all? Am I being too hasty? What have been your experiences with acupuncture?

Kelly Clarkson at Universal or When Tweens Attack

2009-03-30T09:38:00.005-04:00

Eugene and I got the year long 2 park pass for Universal last weekend, mainly so we could see Collective Soul that night after we rode a few rollercoasters. We are trying to embrace the Orlando lifestyle and all. It was a lot of fun, even though the front man made me laugh for the first two songs due to his stellar showmanship. Jazz hands plus throwing the microphone stand into the air equals quality entertainment. Despite his antics, Collective Soul really does put on a good show. The crowd was great, everyone respecting everyone else like a decent concert.

We went back on Saturday evening after I got off of work to ride a couple rollercoasters and see Kelly Clarkson. I figured, I like her music on the radio, I watched that season of Idol, hell, I even saw From Justin To Kelly* in the theaters, I might as well see her when I have free tickets.

We started out by going to Islands of Adventure and riding the Hulk. It was pretty awesome. I love/am terrified by this new rollercoaster thing in which they shoot you up to the top instead of the slow climb before the drop. After that, we were on a speedy mission (as speedy as possible when there is a cheerleading competition there that ended and know the park is swarming with little girls with more makeup on than hookers in the way) to get as many rides in before dinner and the concert. Which amounted to two other rides. The first was some boat ride in the Jurassic Park area which was fun but unnerving when there was a drop and the lap bar was 8 inches away from my lap due to the overweight woman next to me. The last ride was the Dueling Dragons one, where two roller coasters are supposed to go simultaneously and look like they are going to hit one another repeatedly. Except the other one was not running, instilling a TON of confidence in me that ours would not stop while we were upside down and I would die a horrible and slow death from the blood rushing to my head and sitting there for hours. Can this kill you? I have no idea, but this is what I think of before activities such as these.

We scooted ourselves out of the park to grab dinner at the Hard Rock Cafe while the Mardi Gras parade was going on at Universal because we had enough of it the week before. My goodness, if I had to hear the same 5 songs on repeat, blasting into my brain with that eardrum piercing whistle that happens at least once a minute, well, I was gonna kill someone.

We got in to Universal just in time for the parade to be over and the mass exodus of people who didn't wasn't to stay for the concert to begin. Can I just say that there are a lot of freaking Kelly Clarkson fans who also enjoy Universal? It was a clusterfuck. People were having a VERY hard time getting strollers out, kids were crying, and at least one person fainted trying to get out of there. There were little skanky looking tween girls everywhere shoving people like they belonged in mosh pit despite explaining to them that the people behind me are trying to get out of here and that is why I am inching towards you so push me again and I will END you. That was all before the show started. When Kelly Clarkson did come on stage, things got worse. We were near the back but there were still enough people around us to make me feel like a sardine and totally claustrophobic. I could barely see any of the monitors was getting frustrated with all the shoving. Plus, it stank. I mean, my God, the smell. I looked at Eugene and told him that this was not worth it.

We decided to hit a ride before they shut down and started walking in very roundabout ways to get to the Mummy. Randomly, a couple of teenagers not screaming to Kelly Clarkson came up to us and gave us their express passes since they were leaving. Finally, a way to avoid the lines!!! I have to say, I have no idea how much those cost, but on a busy day they are TOTALLY WORTH IT.

I think the next time we go should probably be on a weekday.

*I know, totally lame. I was a freshman in college and a NERD. What else can be expected?

Home?

2009-03-25T20:56:00.003-04:00

Training was overwhelming. There was so much information to learn and I felt constantly on edge from being watched and judged for an entire week. It was exhausting. Despite all that, I am so glad I went. I feel like I am now actually prepared to do my job as well as prepared to make decisions on my own. I was not ready before by any means.

I am so glad to be back in Florida. I never thought I would say that, especially since I have been dreaming of getting out for so many years. It was just after a week in Massachusetts where it was gray and cloudy without a single green leaf in sight, I missed home. I was so relieved to land in Orlando and sit outside to wait for Eugene to pick me up. It was sunny and green and the sky was blue. It was home. After twelve years, it has finally become home. Huh.

Oh, The Nyquil

2009-03-18T21:26:00.003-04:00

It is almost 9:30 pm and I am about to pass out. Why? The glorious Nyquil, of course. I am traveling for work and, being me, I get sick the day before I leave for a week. I was so stuffed up on the plane that I couldn't pop my ears for half an hour and was concerned that they would spew all over the cabin. I have been the gross person who sniffles all day, downing medicine like it was candy to no avail. Still sick. I am in night 4 of my trip to the dreary North, and I decided that tonight I do something good for myself. Mainly, knock the crap out of me with Nyquil. Sleep, tonight you will not escape me!

This is the first time I have been away from Eugene for more than one night and I miss him. Miss him in a way that keeps waking me up at night because he isn't there. I don't think I am cut out to travel much for work.

Now, it is time for bed, mainly because I am about to pass out. Goodnight my bloggie friends. I have missed you so.

The Start of a New Life

2009-03-10T19:46:00.002-04:00

So far I like Orlando. It seems like more of a city than I am used to on the Gulf Coast. There also seems to be a variety of things to do here, things that I may enjoy because I am not working until I drop. We live in the Southeast part of the city, a very diverse part of it. The upside? So many authentic Mexican restaurants. The downside? I don't speak Spanish but now I plan on learning.

Of course, we are not done unpacking. We are procrastinators of the highest level. Well, I am anyways and I am not too shabby at persuading Eugene to follow my lazy example. Right now, I should be busy unpacking the last few boxes while Eugene does the taxes. Instead, I just watched yet ANOTHER episode of Beverly Hills 90210 which I am now completely obsessed with. I am almost done with season 2 and I just CAN'T STOP WATCHING IT. It has turned into a sickness. What is going on in the world? No idea but Brenda and Dylan both just kissed other people OMG. So unpacking, it is slow.

I will feel better about this apartment and its tiny tiny kitchen and its tiny tiny bathroom when all the boxes are gone and the pictures are hung. I hope. I keep looking on the bright side. I live within walking distance of my job. I pay a lower rent than I did in Clearwater. It is not forever. I think that living here will keep money in our minds so we will save some to try to get a house before the prices start going up too much. Overall, Orlando is a place that we both can see ourselves living in for a long time, raising a family, having a real life. It is nice to finally be able to say that you don't hate the area you live in.

Remember Me?

2009-02-24T17:58:00.002-05:00

So, remember how I said that I was going to write more and not disappear again? Well, about that. Sorry. Now I'm serious about it.

So much has happened. I finally reached the point where I didn't know how much more I could do. Work was awful. I felt like I was in a verbally abusive relationship with my boss and I had no way out. He would yell at me or call me stupid and I would just hang my head, too tired to even stand up for myself anymore. Maybe I started to believe him. I was a zombie. Both coworkers and customers would ask me if I was ok. I always replied that I was fine, good, whatever to make them stop asking questions.

I wasn't ok. I was severely, clinically depressed. I probably still am, but I am starting to feel better. Why? My situation has change quite a bit.

First, I was hired at a tutoring center part time. I was so excited, elated even. I came home from the interview and Eugene greeted me with, "I got a job!"

Of course, I was happy. Reserved because we have been burnt in the past, but happy. I told him that I got a job too when he told me where his job was. Orlando. Two hours away. So much for my job.

I no longer cared about my paltry part time position at the tutpring center. We needed to move to Orlando. In a few days! This was a Thursday and they wanted him to start the following week. This made me even more excited because now, no matter what, I got to leave my job. No more yelling. No more being called stupid. No more migranes from the stress of being in that building. No more stomachaches every time I ate from stress. No more panic attacks before work. I was done!

We immediately started looking for apartments and I called the recruiter I had been working with for another company to let her know of our move. She told me of an opening in Orlando and set me up for an interview the following day.

Well, apparently it is true what they say; God only gives you as much as you can handle. I got the job, Eugene has his job, and we now live in Orlando. We moved all our things in on Saturday. My life has totally been upturned and I know no one here, but I am so excited. I am happy to go to work. I don't dread life on my days off because I know I will just have to go back there the next day. I like my job. I like my boss. I am thankful for everything I have been given. It seems that we have had enough hardship for awhile and things are starting to work out for us.

Computer Problems and Religion

2009-02-05T18:41:00.003-05:00

Oh my goodness. Just when I thought I would be able to blog again... Computer Crash 2009! My computer is filled with viruses, which is my own fault for being horrible about updating my antivirus software. On top of that, Eugene's computer suddenly died a horrible death and needed a new hard drive.

I have recently decided to advertise my tutoring availability on Craigslist. I want to start tutoring to get me closer to my goal of being in the education field. I used to tutor at my old high school as a volunteer and while I really enjoyed that and saw great results, I really can't afford to volunteer right now. I hope someone responds to it with a real job, not just a creepy old man or something.

In other news, I got a library card so I can get books and not blow all our money at Borders. Someday I will continue to expand my personal library, but for now, the library it is. I have been going to the one in downtown Clearwater, about a block away from the Church of Scientology. Yes, I live in the hub of Scientology. I'm surprised Tom Cruise isn't wandering in to my workplace. I always get a kick out of driving over there. They all wear similar clothes and carry beepers. They rush across the street like they are late for some extremely important meeting. There are multiple vitamin stores on the street with brochures on how bad psychiatry is for you. The library has a large L. Ron Hubbard section. I have never heard of any incidents relating to the Scientologists of the area, but I am a little wary of their rushing crowds when I am in the area. I miss my drugs prescribed by a psychiatrist and can't wait to start taking them again as soon as I have insurance. I am sure this would get me quite a few lectures if I said it anywhere in the area.

My forays to the library in the center of Scientology is an interesting contrast to the atmosphere at work. I am surrounded by Evangelical Christians there, coworkers and customers alike (there is a Christian college down the road). I think it brings out the observer in me, watching people who are so open and outward about their religion. Plus, I like to play a little game I call Spot the Hypocrite. It's fun, you should try it. I am all for having faith in something, whatever you want. I have a little problem with people trying to say they are something and then their actions are totally incongruous with what they claim. It doesn't make them a bad person, after all, nobody's perfect, but it does entertain me. After all, I never claimed that I'm a nice person.

One Whole Year

2009-01-19T12:35:00.006-05:00

Today is our 1 year anniversary. We are going to Bonefish Grill and going to try to stomach down a bite of our wedding cake. I am a bit nervous about that part.

This past year has been interesting. We have had our ups and downs, but the vast majority has been great. I love Eugene more and more each day and I am so ecstatically happy to be married to this man. He is still the best person I know, although a slightly more sarcastic version due to spending too much time with me. I can't believe it has already been one whole year. I am so excited to see what the next year has in store for us.

I love you Eugene and cannot wait to see what our lives have in store for us. I know that I can do anything as long as you are by my side.

Catching Up

2009-01-13T00:03:00.004-05:00

It has been awhile. Things have been happening, difficult things, and I didn't know how to write about them. So I shut down. Totally. I went into survival mode and am only now fighting to get out of it.

November was difficult. I started a new job and been working harder than I ever have before in my life. I wish I could talk more about it, mainly because I need to get a lot off my chest, but right now I need the job and don't want to be dooced. (I love Dooce and am a total fangirl when it comes to her blog.) It was the year end for Eugene at his job and he was putting in crazy long hours as well. We were not spending a ton of time together and it was getting to us. Little things seemed magnified and I was blowing up constantly. It was a very bad month for us. December 1st is the day for lay offs at Eugene's work. This time, he didn't escape unscathed. He was let go after almost 5 years. He had been there the longest out of his department and was making the most. He has also had the best numbers, but companies care about the bottom line.

So December began my time of working as much as possible. I was working six days a week, going in whenever someone called out and working promotional events on top of my normal position. I was rewarded for my work by being promoted, but since then things have only gone downhill. Luckily, Eugene losing his job made us both realize that our relationship is what matters. We are what is important and we haven't let stupid things get between us since.

Now, I feel totally run down and on the verge of collapse. I have been averaging 45-50 hours a week, all on my feet. I look drawn and tired all the time because I can't sleep. I dream about work, wake up every hour to check the time, terrified that I will sleep through my alarm. Sometimes I feel anxiety before bed because I think about work and what else I can do. I have to take a xanex just to get to sleep before totally freaking out.

I have to start taking better care of myself and trust that Eugene will find a job soon. He is costantly looking, and has had some interviews, but nothing has panned out yet. Work is important, but I am not willing to kill myself working a dead end job. I am not willing to do it.

So this is what has been going on the past two months. I have barely had any time to work on my business with Mary Kay, but this week I have gotten started and am so excited about it.

I am so behind on reading all the blogs I love. I feel like I have missed so much! I can't wait to see what you all have been doing.

No, I'm Not Dead

2009-01-10T20:31:00.001-05:00

But, this is still not a real blog post. I'm too tired for that tonight but I promise to write again soon. I know, so interesting.

Mary Kay Business

2008-11-26T17:40:00.002-05:00

When I first made the decision to start my business with Mary Kay, I thought this would be a hobby. Great makeup and skin care products at wholesale prices? Sign me up! The more I heard about it and the more I saw from the amazingly impeccable ladies that are Sales Directors, the more I wanted to be involved. That is why I just posted a link to my Mary Kay website to the right where my Etsy shop used to live. Also, as a thank you to the people who come here and listed to me yammer on about my life, if you leave a comment and then order something off of the website, I will give you 10% off along with the free shipping that goes with every order from my website!

Happy shopping!

Girl, Get Your Scarf On!

2008-11-24T16:19:00.002-05:00

So Sarah at Sarah Said came up with the great idea for a scarf exchange. Despite living in Florida, I love scarves and since it is actually getting cold here, I could use some more. If you are interested, go to her site and sign up in the comments section!

This Makes Me Feel Better

2008-11-17T18:52:00.006-05:00

Oh. My. Goodness. This video just made me laugh so hard I was crying. I then called Eugene to tell him about it and emailed the link to him. Thank you Michael K. from Dlisted for making my day.

I am also an idiot that cannot figue out how to make a link work without having you click on something that you wouldn't notice so just go to this website... You will thank me later. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lvD8WcrdK5o

100th Post

2008-11-16T17:57:00.003-05:00

I have been writing this blog for a year and a half and am only now reaching the 100th post milestone. A lot of this has to do with being in a bit of a funk due to some choices I have recently made with medication. Depression is something I have struggled with as well as lived with for seven years now. I have been on medication for it as well as off of medication for it and I am more pleasant to be around when medicated. I am not ashamed of it, I have a chemical imbalance that is fixed this way.

Unfortunately, it is expensive to buy the medication I am on when you don't have insurance. Due to some stupidity on my part, I have been uninsured now for a year. I have had to pay full price for refills and it sucks. $90 for 30 pills? Are you kidding me??? Plus, my doctor won't write another prescription for me without going to see him and I have one refill left. Have I mentioned that it costs $200 just to see him for maybe ten minutes? No? Well, it does. Needless to say, I thought the best course of action would be to ration my medication. I have weaned myself off before and now I am trying to do it again. If it doesn't work, I still have a full month worth of meds left.

The reason I am doing this now, on my own, is because we want to try to have a baby soon. Of course, not until the insurance kicks in on January 1, but sometime after that. I don't really feel like taking a bunch of pills now only to have to wean myself off of them again. I'm already pretty done with them.

Now comes the downside. I am weepy. Inexplicably weepy. I mean, OF COURSE I cried during last week's Grey's Anatomy episode because Izzy is imagining fricking Denny, and I loved Denny and I still cry when I watch the end of Season 2. However, it is not appropriate to have to hold back tears and the wracking sobs that will follow when listening to a woman's story about how she started selling Mary Kay because her family ran out of money and she starts crying. (Oh yeah, I started selling Mary Kay! Exciting!) Her tears made me want to cry and I almost did. I cry during Harry Potter because the friendship that Harry, Ron, and Hermione have is just so freaking touching. Obviously, I am a mess.

So here it is Internet. I need suggestions. All the crying makes me nervous for all the crying that has yet to come. I haven't experienced it yet this time, but I also end up with a lot of misplaced anger. Not to mention shutting down and only leaving the house to buy pie. So if anyone has suggestions for dealing with this in a way that does not require medication or making Eugene want to leave his crazy, crazy wife instead of having babies with her, I will love you forever. Oh, and if you want some makeup or skin care products, that's cool too.

Daily Idiocy

2008-11-12T13:09:00.003-05:00

Who agrees to cover someone's shift on their day off like an idiot? Me? No, couldn't be me. Oh wait, yup, that was me. Crap.

Pee Patrol

2008-11-11T12:08:00.002-05:00

Hershey has been peeing all over the house. ALL. OVER. THE. HOUSE. All I can smell is pee, no matter how many bottles of Resolve I go through. I also have no idea why he is doing this, since he is housebroken and we take him out. He poops out of vengeance when he's mad, but I don't know about the peeing. His main target has been the dining room underneath the table. I knew I smelled something, but the way the light is positioned I could never see any stains. I thought I was imagining a pee smell. After bringing in a lantern to quadruple check, I found the mother load. Holy Crap, it is pee central in there. I think I just need a carpet shampooer to get rid of it all because my sensitive nose can't handle it anymore! I am contemplating moving just to get away from the smell.

I don't know what to do about Hershey's new habit. I am almost afraid to re-crate train him because he does bad things when angry like find my most expensive pair of shoes and chew on them. Does anyone have any suggestions for fixing my evil chihuahua?

New Job

2008-11-10T11:50:00.004-05:00

Today will be my third day at the new job. So far, things are pretty good. I am going for a cautiously optimistic mood today. Some of the people are great, hardworking, and know their stuff. Others are blatantly going against the rules that even I know after being there for two days. It is interesting to see the dynamic now, while I am one of them, while they have no idea that in a short time I will be one of their bosses. It is a good feeling, to be in a place where you are viewed as an asset, someone with worth who can help the company. I haven't felt like that, well, ever.

It is a great place. I liked to go in for the food and atmosphere before, now I get to help keep the place running. Today I start to learn some of the managerial aspects of the job. I can't wait to be a manager. It is nice to have bosses who realize that I am overqualified for what I am currently doing. Thank you for realizing that having a college degree is a type of accomplishment. I am starting to feel like I did not waste years of my life and tens of thousands of dollars on nothing.

So today, when I go in to work, I will do my coffee making job, my ringing up food orders job, and my cleaning the dining area job to the best of my ability. I will try to set an example for my coworkers so they can improve. I will try to not get frustrated with people who make me do my job and theirs on my third day of work like they did on my second day. I will make sure that I do not make a drink for a coworker under the false impression that he just hasn't paid for it yet, when really, he has no intention of paying for it at all. Because really? I already have my eye on you kid.

Restless

2008-11-07T05:18:00.002-05:00

It is 5:18 AM and Hell has frozen over... I can't sleep. While it is now the time I needed to start waking up for my new job (I start at 6:30), I have been awake since about 4. AM. I have just been laying in bed, willing myself to fall back asleep to no avail. I rolled over and over, trying to find a good position, uncomfortable in a very comfortable bed. I gave up.

Of course, now that I am sitting up and it is too late to go back to sleep, I am tired. Such a surprise with only four and a half hours of sleep. I am SO taking a nap later.

Observed at Barnes and Noble

2008-11-04T09:35:00.002-05:00

An elderly couple sits in a cafe at a table for two. Two steaming cups of coffee rest between them, a bright pink lipstick imprint on one paper cup. The man's body is twisted away from the table, as if distancing himself from his companion.

"Who is the other one running?" She asks.

"McCain."

"Oh."

"He's too old," he says dryly, his face rearranging from boredom to a smirk.

"Oh that's terrible! He shouldn't have waited so long to run. Too old!" She chuckles.

"I think Obama's smarter too." He takes a pull from his coffee. They return to silence.

His skin is like crumpled tissue paper with the majority of the lines surrounding his eyes and forehead. Based on those wrinkles, he has had a life filled with laughter. He wears a salmon polo with a black cardigan over it, to protect from the chill of the air conditioning. His snowy white hair is neatly combed. He is dressed for a day out. He is a man who still dresses up for any appearance outside of the home.

She is equally dressed up in a black pantsuit with white piping. Her hair is slightly darker, slush rather than pristine snow. A large lace patterned gold ring shines on her finger.

"If we aren't going to buy a book, let's get going." She claps her hands together as if ushering children. He stands up, brushing imaginary crumbs off his immaculately pressed khakis. Stepping to her, he holds out his hand. She places a black ball cap on her head, altering her look completely, and takes his hand, slowly standing up. She grabs her zebra print handbag, slides her arm into the crook of his waiting elbow, and they slowly make their way to the door.

So Close

2008-11-02T23:02:00.002-05:00

I have three days left at work. Just Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday and then I am out of there. I am so excited. Not about losing my 33% discount (Amazon is cheaper anyway) but about getting out of a place that not only takes advantage of me but also takes me for granted. Whatever. I am going to a place that actually recognizes that I should be in charge of other people. So suck it!

In other news, we had zero trick or treaters this year. Again. Also, I ate most of the candy. Again. My stomach hurts.

Last Week and Then Some

2008-10-23T12:05:00.002-04:00

Last week was, well, horrendous. Atrocious. Awful and painful. Eugene and I helped my parents move out of their house all week long. Sometimes it was like herding cats. Others, it was preventing full on fights from breaking out.

Now, it is over. The house is filled with the new tenants (don't even get me started on that crap, seriously, how does buyer turn into tenant?), my dad's stuff is in storage, my mom has a new apartment (which was just flooded by the upstairs neighbors leaving the water running), and our apartment is filled with the spoils of the end of a marriage. I have been slightly unstable over this whole change. I guess it is real now, they are officially separated. Daddy is back in Chicago and is planning on staying there through the winter, at least, and Mama is doing what she normally does.

I cried at work on Saturday. Ugh. At work. Then I left early because I couldn't stop running to the back to cry some more. I have been getting used to this for two and a half years so I'm not sure why it is bothering me so much. Maybe because it is real now. Maybe because despite what they say, I feel like I have lost my family. These feelings of not having a family enhances those of wanting a family of my own. It is getting harder and harder to rationalize not having a baby soon. Yes, I should have a different job, but in this market, I am literally not hireable by anything but cafes. We should be married longer, but people said that about us dating longer and we turned out fine.

I am sure there are more arguments out there, but I don't care. It physically pains me when I see a baby. My heart hurts. Why put off something that Eugene and I both want so badly?

The Pillars of the Earth

2008-10-10T20:53:00.002-04:00

I just finished The Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follett. Now, I am normally a little weary of reading something that has been recommended by Oprah, mainly because I don't want to appear as if I am one of those people who do whatever she says and totally belong to the cult of Oprah. It just isn't who I am. I decided to pick it up because customers at work had recommended it to me as well and the sequel just came out on paperback so I figured why not? Well, I will tell you why not in a handy list because I am obsessed with lists.

1. It is almost 1,000 pages long. Now, I am not one to balk at the length of a book. I will read it in no time and not even have a seconds thought about doing so. Rather, it is the length combined with the subject. It is almost 1,000 pages about people building a cathedral. Yes, it involves their lives, but mainly, their lives revolving around the cathedral.

2. The characters are a bit shallow. They are rarely complex people and I could not tell if it was because the writer did not think that people in the 12th century were complex or if he felt like writing about the cathedral instead of further developing the characters.

3. It was repetitive. The "bad guys" of the book were especially repetitive. They had the one motive and spent their ENTIRE lives focusing on it. Actually, come to think of it, so did everyone else.

4. I seriously wanted to put it down. It takes a lot for me to want to give up on a book and I really wanted to give up on this one, but I pressed on. It got more entertaining after 500 to 550 pages, but seriously, you need that long to make it more interesting?

Overall, I didn't stop reading it because of these reasons, but I definitely would not recommend The Pillars of the Earth to anyone. Also, I will not be reading the sequel.

Demon Dog, The Sweet One, and Hair

2008-10-10T12:06:00.005-04:00

Eugene and I took these pictures awhile ago to have proof of the demon that Hershey really is. Don't get me wrong. Sometimes he is very sweet and demands kisses and cuddling. Other times, however, he is a demon from hell that can only be seen to be believed. For your viewing pleasure... The Devil.

He is angry, probably because we touched his paws. Or Midnight looked at him.

This is why when Hershey decides to take Midnight's bed during the day, Midnight leaves him alone.

Also, here is the new hair after spending far too much money. And yes, that is my wedding dress hanging on my closet. No, I haven't gotten around to having it cleaned and preserved yet. Don't judge me.

Another Interview

2008-10-08T19:16:00.003-04:00

I have an interview tomorrow for a receptionist position at a doctor's office. I am trying my hardest to not get excited/not get depressed before the interview even occurs. I have been looking for a job for two months now, which isn't long in the grand scheme of things, but it is long when your current job requires absolutely no brain function. AT. ALL. Plus, I would like to think that I spent the last six years getting my degree for a reason, you know, like not having to sling coffee to asshats. Yes I'm cranky. I opened today and was so bored because nobody has money so they sure don't want to spend the tiny bit they do have on coffee. I don't blame them.

So I feel completely crazy at the moment, varying from oh my God I might actually get a job and save some money and buy a car and maybe get to have babies! to no one is ever going to hire me and I am going to be serving stupid people coffee and working with college students the rest of my life someone please kill me thanks. It has been a roller coaster for the past two hours.

So I am going to drown my sorrows/crazy elation in ANTM and Project Runway as well as keep reading the book that will not end, The Pillars of the Earth. It isn't just long (almost 1,000 pages) but I DON'T CARE ABOUT IT AT ALL BUT I CAN'T PUT IT DOWN BECAUSE A BOOK WILL NOT DEFEAT ME!!!!

Seriously, has anyone read this book and really liked it? Besides Oprah?

Rambling

2008-10-02T11:19:00.003-04:00

I didn't go to the second interview. It reminded me of Boiler Room and I swear that the manager was channeling Ben Affleck. Plus, I looked in to the company a bit further and was startled to find out how bad the products are as well as how much people hated it while they worked there. Boo to crap companies calling me.

On a plus note, the weather is amazing again. Upper 70s with a breeze and not a cloud in the sky. It has the feeling of early fall. These are the days that make me happy I live in Florida.

Also, I FINALLY found the right information about starting a teaching career. I applied to take the subject level test and can schedule it once they receive my transcripts! I'm so happy that I might not have to work as a secretary for some shitty company!

Now I am off to go through more of the million things I have accumulated throughout my life at my parents' house. That is a definite downside to them selling the house and splitting up... I feel like there is no safe haven anymore, no room that is utterly mine. Along with the whole family breaking up, of course. That isn't great either. Before I sound too selfish, let me say that this divorce has been a long time coming and now, after two years of them living together yet apart, I am fine with it actually happening. Whatever makes them happy.

Job?

2008-09-30T19:24:00.002-04:00

I got my hair done and I love it... but I am too lazy to post a picture of it right now. Sorry.

In other news, I have a second interview with a financial firm tomorrow. Hopefully it goes well. I am a bit nervous about deciding to work there because it will be solely commission after one year. On the other hand, it would be nice to be rewarded for my work.

Is anyone in a commission only field and how do you like it?

Hair Ideas?

2008-09-21T22:02:00.002-04:00

I have a hair appointment on Wednesday. I am so excited for this, probably more than I have been excited about many things lately. Why would I be so excited about getting my hair done, you ask? Well... I have not had my hair cut since February. I realize that this is a long time. A very long time. I get lazy in between cuts and I like my hair long anyway so trims aren't needed that often, plus I wasn't coloring my hair so, well, yeah. Now that I am looking for a job, I can't very well interview looking like crazy long hair girl, now can I. Plus I have been coloring my hair at home with the help of my wonderful and loving husband (who may be slightly embarrassed that I have now outed him as my colorist). I had gone reddish, light auburn if you believe the box. Actually, it ended up as a nice shade of copper. I was a bright and shiny penny.
Yes, that is Midnight sitting on the arm of the couch, hovering over us on a Sunday morning. After the color fades a bit, my natural brown mixes in and I look like this. (Please be nice. I am not wearing makeup and only took this picture to show the busted mess that is my hair right now.)

Plus I am in pajamas. And so stuffy that I haven't breathed out of my nose for DAYS! I really need to take pictures of myself when I look good or something. Anyway, the point of this long and stupid post is... what should I do with my hair? I am getting it cut and colored but I have no idea what to do. I like my hair long, but not this long. Ideas, comments, pictures, etc are more than welcome. I won't even be too insulted when you tell me I look like ass. Believe me, I'm aware that Sheenah+red hair=needs makeup!!!

No One Will Hire Me

2008-09-19T13:25:00.003-04:00

I was reminded by my mom yesterday that I should be thankful for what I have. A job. I was complaining to her that I can't find a job and I have applied to probably forty jobs so far and only had one interview (for a super part time job, more later) and seriously people??? I have a degree and a bajillion years experience in customer service and I am willing to be your secretary. For the love of God, hire me! Mama then replied, well some people have been laid off and can't find jobs. She listed two people that she used to work with who were in upper management that had been let go due to budget constraints. I felt bad for, oh, maybe a second. Then I realized how many menial jobs there are, like the one I already have, and they could snap up one of those in a second. I stopped feeling so bad.

I mean, they are choosing to remain unemployed while looking for a job that they would like rather than suck it up and cater to annoying people like I do. To those people, I feel no sympathy for you. Yeah, it sucks that the market is shit and you got fired. I'm sorry about that. It also sucks that you can't find something comparable quickly. Again, sorry. But saying that they can't find ANY work is bull. I told my mom so. I serve coffee and deal with homeless drunks who shake their way on into the cafe at 9am asking if we sell beer. I hate it and think that I deserve better. But am I not doing it while complaining that I can't find a job? No. I am working my ass off at the cafe and at home when I am looking for a job. That's what I am doing. So I will not be told that it could be worse. That feeling like an old woman at 24 because my body is not capable of standing for eight hours a day for days on end is not that bad. That being the only person in the cafe with a degree, including my supervisor, is okay. I did not work this hard to make $7.75 an hour. So yeah, I'm pissed.

The one interview I had was at Huntington Learning Center forty five minutes away from my house. The position is only for eight to ten hours a week. With the amount of money I will make by working so little, I will basically make enough to cover the gas it takes to get there. So I'm not going to work there for what works out to be nothing.

I know Florida has one of the highest unemployment rates in the country and the economy is awful right now. I know that I graduated at the wrong time. I also know that I am doubting my self worth more and more every day. I feel bad that Eugene has to support us financially. I feel like my degree is worthless, that I studied the wrong thing in college, that whatever experience I do have means nothing. I feel like nothing. So here I am, still in my pajamas after searching for jobs all this morning and early afternoon, feeling like there is nothing out there for me. I feel like maybe we should move out of this state, maybe even out of the South, so we can find better jobs. I feel completely unsure and I hate it. I just hate all of it.

Computer Test? Fail.

2008-09-11T18:18:00.003-04:00

I had a computer test today to see if I was worthy of interviewing. Based on my evaluation of the test and now many "Incorrect" buttons flashed at me, I'm gonna go with not worthy. Yikes. Now, I am not a computer dummy. I am semi literate and have even been known to show people a thing or two on this here magic box. Unfortunately, none of the things I know had anything to do with what they wanted me to know. It was abysmal. I sent an email to the woman who will eventually interview people to thank her for letting me take the test and tell her that I would love to come in and interview so she can get a better view of my capabilities. Code for I sucked at that test but I'm sure I could learn this stuff if I tried. Ugh. Plus this was a job that is in the same company that Chelsea works for and she recommended me and now I may have made her look like an idiot. Crap.

In other news, I am applying for every entry level job I can find because despite having a degree and eight (!) years customer service experience (and not wanting to go back into customer service) I am only good for entry level jobs. Boo to the economy and boo to the job market. Someone hire me! Now!

Changing My Direction

2008-09-05T21:58:00.003-04:00

There are times in every person's life, I am sure, when you realize that things are not going to work out the way you had planned, and not just little plans, big ones. The kind that change your life forever. When despite all your effort and thoughtfully laid out plans, you just can't make things go your way. I have had a few of those moments.

The first one I can think of happened when I was fifteen. I always knew I had scoliosis. They found it when I was five and since that day, it had been on my mind. I wore a back brace for five years to correct the curvature of my spine, or at least stop the progression of it, but to no avail. I needed a spinal fusion surgery. So, at the age of fifteen, as a sophomore in high school, I went under the knife, expecting that everything would go as planned, as my doctor said it would go. I would have the surgery, be sitting up the next day, walking soon after that, and back to school in a matter of three weeks. No problem, I thought. How naive. First, the spinal block was administered incorrectly so I had absolutely no pain killers after waking up from major spinal surgery. Let me repeat that, no pain killers, nothing, none, after they filleted my muscles and rearranged my spine, fastening titanium bars to my spine with various screws and clips. Yup, it was fun, let me tell you. After the second day of waking up only to cry before passing out again, a wonderful ICU nurse figured out what had happened. Morphine became my friend that day. After the pain killer debacle, I figured it was time for a quick recovery. That didn't go as planned either but it is too long of a story for this post. Another time.

College brought more destruction to plans. I was supposed to graduate in four years, like you are supposed to. Well, things happen. As I like to say now, life gets in the way. Then, when I was about to graduate, I developed sleep apnea (but I didn't know what was going on then) and was too tired to make it to class. I was afraid to drive because I was so tired I was scared I would fall asleep at the wheel. I worried that I would fall asleep in class and maybe, God forbid, snore. Sleeping all day will stop you from getting the grades needed to graduate. So I left school and Gainesville. Correspondence courses were going to help me finish quickly, but I then decided that I had to work more and more to pay off my bills, putting school on hold. My job at Borders became so important to me, and I was sure that I could carve out my niche there, make a career for myself surrounded by books, the perfect atmosphere. I realized that being on my feet for 40 hours a week hurt my back too much and I felt decades older than I was. Then there was the wedding to plan, of course. It is a special day and everything had to be perfect, for myself, for Eugene, and for our families. School was pushed back some more. But here I am today, finally a college graduate.

I thought that was where the struggle and disappointment ended. How silly I am! Why I thought finding a job as a teacher would be easy, especially since I am not certified yet, I have no idea. Maybe I was lured by everyone saying how there was such a shortage of teachers, especially in Florida. Whatever the reason, I expected to land that job quickly. Well, it has been a few days shy of a month and I am absolutely no closer to that elusive American dream than I was before. Maybe that dream has to change a bit, morph into a new dream, a dream of an interesting job doing something I enjoy, whether teaching, writing, editing, or doing anything that is meaningful in some way. I just want to use this degree, to put these past six years to work. I have taken so many classes, written so many papers, read so many books. It can't be for nothing, right?

So here I am, looking, searching, hoping. For something to fall out of the sky, for something to catch my interest, for something that will pull me away from the coffeemaker and espresso machine, for a job that will let me use my head. It is a different plan, it may even be a lack of a plan, but I just might find my dream job this way. Here's hoping.

Grandma Kate

2008-09-02T11:49:00.003-04:00

As I mentioned before, my grandmother has Alzheimer's. While she hasn't forgotten people or slipped into the dementia that makes her think it is another time, she is slipping.

My dad is up in Barrington, staying in his childhood home, caring for his parents. Originally, he drove from Florida to Illinois because my grandpa fell out of bed and was stuck on the floor for twelve hours. My grandma sleeps in another room since she wakes up throughout the night and was disturbing Grandad's sleep. She is also hard of hearing and refuses to get a hearing aide, so she did not hear his cries for help. Before Daddy (yes, I call him Daddy) got there, Grandma Kate accidentally took some of Grandad's heart medication, thinking it was her own. My aunt Kathy, who was staying until Daddy got there, heard her cry out in the night and discovered her pulse and blood pressure were dangerously low. She was rushed to the hospital.

Daddy got to Barrington and took over the care of his parents. His brothers and sisters wanted him to come see how bad things were, to evaluate the situation. He was only supposed to stay for two to three weeks. He brought his dog, Big Guy, and his computer, the two things he needed. He designs web sites and was hoping to be able to do some work, and he could not leave Big Guy at home with my mom, who would not take him for the long walks that such a large dog requires. Plus, Big Guy is his companion, his friend. He is what my dad will have left after they finally sell the house and file for divorce.

After coming in after a walk, Daddy tied Big Guy's leash to the railing of the stairs at the foyer of the house. He got paper towels and was drying his feet when the phone rang. Grandma Kate was in the foyer as well, and rushed to the phone. She stepped over Big Guy's leash with one foot, but forgot to lift the other. She fell onto the tile floor, howling in pain. After a trip to the hospital, it was discovered that she cracked her pelvic bone. She needed a wheelchair and then a walker as this is a painful injury but not one that can be cast or mended. Daddy spoke with social workers, feeling he was responsible for her fall. They assured him that he wasn't, that she would have fallen over something with the same result. He still feels guilty and Grandad blames the dog. Grandma Kate does not remember how she fell. She claims it was in the yard, or that the dog ran into her and knocked her down. There is no reason to correct her, because it just frustrates her and she forgets within the next few hours.

Grandad is depressed, seeing the love of his life, his wife of fifty-two years slipping away before his eyes. He says it wasn't supposed to end like this. He says that he was supposed to die first, after all, no Dunbar man has ever lived past sixty-five, until him. The doctors say maybe she will be lucky and the congestive heart failure will kill her first. Either way, the release is death.

My aunts and uncles are not helping. They visit on weekends, during the day for a short time. They are not there past 6pm, when the nurse leaves and my dad is not allowed to leave the house because they cannot be left alone. He hasn't been able to work, yet they do not offer him financial help. My mom is shouldering all of the bills, working two jobs and seven days a week. Their house is on the market, they are getting a divorce, and my dad does not have a place lined up to live in when the house is gone. Do his four brothers and sisters care? Nope. They have families and children to worry about so they let their older brother, whose life is crumbling, to shoulder the burden, and make him feel guilty for asking them to visit more. Grandad wants to move to Daytona for good, where they have a condo that is one floor and has an elevator. My aunts and uncles, who live an hour away from them now, protest. They won't see their grandchildren grow up, they will miss out, they cry. Grandad reminds them that his own children barely visit, and when they do, they rarely bring the children. He has started keeping a log of when they visit to show Grandma Kate, so she won't think they have been visiting her when they haven't. I understand that my Uncle John lives in Portland and that my Uncle David works so much he rarely sees his own children. I get it. What I don't understand is how my aunts can just not help with their parents. Yes they work and have children. But I remember my mom helping Grandma Kate out when she had her hip replacement and my brother and I were no older than my cousins are now. That was her mother-in-law, and she cared. This is their mother and father. All I know is this is a sorry excuse for family.

I am sad that my cousins will not grow up with the grandmother I have known. I am lucky that I am older than they are, that I grew up living twenty minutes away from her. I know the Grandma Kate that loves music and tries to instill that love into others. She plays the piano and harp, singing beautifully with both. She gave me piano lessons when I was in elementary school, hoping to pass on the musical talent to her first grandchild. Unfortunately, I was not good about practicing, and easily frustrated that my left hand was not as agile as my right. I quit piano lessons and let her down.

Any family gathering or the larger sort, such as weddings, involved her brothers and sisters flying in from the East Coast. These get togethers always included the Wilson siblings singing songs, whether fueled by alcohol or not. They loved to sing and perform together, and they all had beautiful voices. I remember these family get togethers as full of people, food, and song. On quiet days when Mama, Billy and I would visit while Daddy was at work, we would play around the house, careful not to touch the crystal figurines Grandma Kate collected. We would accompany them in the yard as they talked about the latest gardening project Grandma Kate was about to take on. She loved her yard and prized her garden, always tending it and making changes. Grandad would ask me about the latest book I was reading and share his newspaper with me.

Since we moved to Florida, we have not seen each other as much as we would have liked. We have missed birthdays and milestones, yet they make it to whatever they can. They were here for our Confirmations, for Billy's high school graduation, for my wedding. We made it for their fiftieth anniversary party and Christmases here and there. We visit them in Daytona when we can, but not as much as we should have. I only hope that I have the chance to remedy that mistake.

Grandma Kate playing the piano with Big Guy behind her.

Too Much

2008-08-29T13:57:00.003-04:00

You know what is a bad idea? Reading a book about a guy who falls in love with someone, gets married, and then his wife dies five years later of a pulmonary embolism. This book, along with getting updates from my dad who is Illinois right now taking care of my grandparents who are not doing well (Grandma Kate has Alzheimer's and Grandad is now a fall risk and super depressed about her Alzheimer's) and he has no help from his four other siblings, three of whom live an hour away(!!!), and add season two of Gray's Anatomy. You know, the one where Izzie falls in love with Denny who gets a new heart and then dies. All this equals emotional mess Sheenah. This toy comes with her own box of tissues and a bottle of Xanex for all the anxiety attacks she keeps getting.

Ugh. Things are rough right now. I haven't felt like writing about them because even thinking about things makes me anxious. Does anyone know any techniques (non-pharmaceutical) for dealing with this? I need help.

The Black Dahlia

2008-08-24T22:54:00.002-04:00

I just finished The Black Dahlia by James Ellroy. It is on the list I am trying to complete of 1001 Books You Must Read Before You Die. Yup, just call me supernerd. Anyway, it was... well, good yet disturbing. I had wanted to read it for awhile and now I really want to see the movie.

It is the story of Bucky Bleichert, a LAPD officer who started off his career as a boxer and ends up being promoted because of it. His new partner is Lee Blanchard, a fellow boxer, who is not as straightforward as he seems. When the Black Dahlia case breaks, Lee becomes obsessed while Bucky is dragged into it unwillingly. Lots of twists and turns and a genuinely surprising ending make this a mystery based on a true unsolved case worth the read if you don't mind all the tough 40's cop talk. I had to put it down at one point because it was starting to annoy me that every woman was referred to as a "cooze," a term that I can only assume means vagina. Whatever, I get that they are all macho cops in the 1940's and have to talk that way, but sometimes it came across as forced and obnoxious. Some parts were hard to read, graphically detailing the nature of her wounds and torture, and I do not scare easily. I grew up on action movies after all.

I am really interested in seeing the movie now, especially since most of the reviews on IMDB are bad, yet they sound just like the book. It may be that people were expecting something different. It may reflect the book very well, or it could be crap. I'll let you all know.

Book Club...

2008-08-15T00:33:00.003-04:00

It was our first meeting as a book club, our bajillionth as friends. After hurrying myself through Target to buy some food and wine, I arrived still in my work clothes and smelling like coffee, raggedy Crocs on my feet. (They are hideous, but they were comfy for awhile.) I was thrown off that Tuesday after realizing over halfway through my shift that it was supposed to last a full hour longer than I had thought. Oh, and I had planned the whole book club meeting thing and I would be the jerk who was late. Awesome.

I drove as fast as I dared to not be too late and was the last to arrive. Glasses of wine were poured in crystal goblets that Katie had found, perfect for our discussion of The Other Boleyn Girl. I have to admit that I was a little nervous about our actual meetings. I wanted to talk about the books, but then again, I am a total book nerd who lived for literature classes. I wasn't sure that the girls were up for such nerdiness despite agreeing to the book club. I was happily surprised.

We stood around the kitchen with appetizers spread out in front of us, sipping our wine and talking about various aspects of the book. I was so excited to hear how excited everyone got as we discussed the book, what was accurate, what wasn't, and if it mattered. We settled down after a couple of hours to watch the movie. Well, watch and talk and drink some more. I had to watch the movie again the following day just so I could feel like I got everything. We talked that much. I blame the wine. In fact, Chelsea's boyfriend refers to our little club as the Excuse To Drink Wine Together Club. I like it.

Next month we meet for martinis while we talk about Are You There Vodka, It's Me Chelsea.

Done and Done

2008-08-07T17:37:00.002-04:00

It is over, finished, finito, done. My college career is at its end and I could not be happier. The last few days before my finals on Monday were tense and filled with self hatred. Why did I not do four assignments a day earlier in the week? Why must I procrastinate so horribly? Why do I hate myself so much that I leave six assignments left to do the day before my finals? Why? Because I am a glutton for punishment and do my best when I want to die. I think I may need to see someone about that.

The past few days have been glorious. Eugene took the week off of work and we have been laying around the house, watching movies, taking naps, and reading all day long. Yesterday, I baked a cake. Don't get excited, it was from a box. Is the cake part of German Chocolate cake supposed to not be very sweet? This cake definitely needed the sugar overload of that coconut pecan icing. Mmmm, I may have to go eat another piece.

My friends and I are having our first book club meeting next week. We read The Other Boleyn Girl and will be discussing it and watching the movie. I can't wait to hang out with friends again. No more living like a hermit for me!

Now starts a new phase of my life, job searching. The plan right now is to apply for everything that looks interesting and/or related to teaching. I will be applying to teaching jobs in Georgia while applying for more types of jobs here. Also, I am going to apply to substitute teach on my days off from the cafe. It is time to become a full time working girl now that I am not a student! I may stay at the cafe one day a week after I get another job, if only for the discounts.

What kind of jobs would you all suggest for a recently (!) graduated English major/History minor?

Losing Focus

2008-08-01T17:59:00.004-04:00

My mind is in a weird place. Everything is great right now. I need to work my butt off for the next few days, drive to Gainesville on Monday and take my exams and I am done with school. Finished. Forever.

I was so happy to hear the news that my teacher finally agreed to work with me and yet I just cannot seem to focus. I keep getting distracted, falling asleep, reading blogs, anything to not do homework. What is going on? I am so close to being done, to getting that degree that has taken me six years of difficult times and putting things off and sometimes hard work. Why can I not sit down, focus, and get this done?

For example, I am writing this! I need to finish my reading so I can write this assignment and start on another one. Oh, and I just woke up from a nap! Can you say lazy?

Maybe my brain is just fried and it is protesting. I'm just going to suck it up and buckle down. It is only three more days. Eeek!

New Feature... Book Reviews!

2008-07-30T15:17:00.004-04:00

While procrastinating this week, I read Schooled by Anisha Lakhani. I picked this up at work and I only have the advanced readers copy. This is why I love working at a bookstore. It does not actually come out until August 5, so you have to wait a little bit before picking it up.

The back of the book states:

"When Anna Taggart lands a teaching job at an elite private school on Manhattan's Upper East Side, her dreams of chalk boards and lesson plans are quickly dashed by the grim realities of her small paycheck. It's not easy to overlook the fact that tuition for each of your students exceeds your annual salary or that your students dress better than you do, but this earnest young Ivy League graduate does her best.
And then comes the discovery that the papers she grades are not the work of her seventh graders, but of their high-priced tutors. Before long, Anna too is lured into a world where paying for the best that money can buy takes on a whole new meaning. Enticed by the prospect of earning more in an hour than she takes home in a day, Anna becomes a teacher by day and a tutor by night, joining the ranks of those who secretly do the homework of the children of affluence.
A delicious debut based on the author's experiences as a tutor while teaching at one of Manhattan's top private schools, Schooled presents a shocking picture of an underground economy that is altering the landscape of education in every way. This dazzling expose lays bare the tutoring industry in a way that only an insider can. Welcome to Schooled, where even homework has a price."

While the main character, Anna, is overbearingly naive, she is an easy to like character. As someone who has tutored kids for free, I would not be surprised at the behavior of some of the students portrayed here like Anna was, despite having completed student teaching. Despite that, her fall into the underground world of high priced tutoring is completely believable and compelling. In this world, adolescents can do no wrong in the eyes of their parents and overpriced tutors are paid to enhance that vision for the parents. Every excuse under the sun is made as to why the children could not possibly complete the work on their own. As a result, a wealthy society based on looking the other way does nothing but perpetuate itself as the students pass from grade to grade, still relying on others to do their assignments for them. Schooled is well written and an enjoyable read. It is east to identify with Anna and understand the lure of the expensive designer clothes and lifestyle that she wishes to lead.

Overall, Schooled is a very readable book and quite enjoyable. I hope that Anisha Lakhani keeps writing. I would love to read more of her work. If you are a fan of works such as The Nanny Diaries and The Devil Wears Prada, you will love Schooled.

Victory!

2008-07-30T08:44:00.003-04:00

I am so happy right now. I was just woken up by someone in the Dean's office calling me. I almost didn't answer, but I saw the UF phone number. It was the woman I talked to yesterday, letting me know that she had spoken to my professor. She agreed to grade one assignment a day and since the grades don't have to be in until August 11, I will graduate!!!

I can't tell you what a relief this is. I was so anxious and frustrated and depressed about this. I thought for sure that I was going to have to wait until December to graduate. Life is good again!

Thank you to everyone who left supportive comments. I love you guys!

2008-07-29T20:17:00.003-04:00

I'm tired of writing about the religious history of America, so I'm taking Miss Zoot's idea and doing this.

One year ago I was engaged and living with a wonderful man who accompanied my mom, brother and I to Chicago for my grandfather's funeral. I was working at Borders on the book floor and hovering near the wedding section every chance I got. I was planning a small wedding that ended up growing a bit, before shrinking back down again. I had been off of my medication for awhile, convinced I was fine, and was crying a lot. I was also waiting for the day, a month later, when we would be moving into our new, bigger apartment so I would no longer hate Midnight.

One year from now I will be teaching. Maybe in Florida but probably in Georgia. We will be saving up for our first home and I will possibly be pregnant. I will have been married for a year and a half! I will be settled.

As for right now, I am praying to God that the lady I talked with at the school can get my teacher to work with me. Apparently, she has until the 11th to get my grade in. That is so much longer and there really should be no excuse for her to not be able to do it. I mean, I paid money to take this course. Over $500. The least they could do is make my teacher grade my work, especially since she doesn't even teach it. I teach myself.

I am supposed to call back in two days. I'll know more then.

It's On

2008-07-28T21:05:00.003-04:00

This is the email I just received from my Professor aka Person Who Is Ruining My Life:

I will try my best to help you, but as of right now I have only your assignments 5, 6, 7, and your midterm. Even if you do get the other 7 assignments and 2 case studies turned in, it will be very difficult for me to grade them all and your final by Aug 5th (that's 8 days from now). I'm sorry to not be optimistic, but trying to complete this course in less than one month is unrealistic.
Good luck.

Does anyone else think that she should not be teaching a class on how to help students succeed?

I am calling the school tomorrow and going over her head.

Roller Coaster (Of Hate)

2008-07-27T20:47:00.003-04:00

It seems like everyday is a roller coaster ride. One day I'm up and the next I'm down.

I worked my ass off this past week. I studied flashcards when it was slow at work, I did up to four assignments a day and I read until my brain hurt. Friday drove to Gainesville to take my two midterms. After taking them (I think I rocked them, btw) I asked if I would be able to graduate since I was cutting everything so close. Yes, they said, as long as your instructor grades things promptly and knows what you are doing.

That is a big condition. My religion professor is the best ever at getting my assignments back to me. Seriously, he does it the next day. My education professor is not the same. I do not want to have my bachelor's degree riding on this woman and if she feels like grading my work. It is infuriating. If that is the case, I will have to wait until December to get my degree because of ONE EFFING CREDIT!

It is honestly in her best interest to not do this. I have sent her nice emails so far but if she decided to prevent me from graduating, I will rain fury down upon her. I am not kidding. She does not know the extent of my nasty streak. And I have one, a big one, but I keep it under wraps because I don't like being a bitch. But I will if necessary. Like if someone messes with my family or friends. Or if they keep me from graduating and I am forced to serve coffee for another four months. Then there will be hell to pay.

The ironic part is that this is a teacher who is in charge of an educational psychology class. A class about helping your students achieve their goals. This teacher may be what keeps me from reaching mine. Hopefully I get to keep the bitch in the box. I really do hope that. I will be oh so happy to work my ass off this week again and give myself migraines to finish these courses and take my finals in a week. (Yep, half a semester in a week... I'll feel like death by the end of this.)

Ok, no more scary threats. Just needed to rant. Don't worry, in a week I'll be back to my harmless yet neurotic self, hopefully. Back to homework.

Minor Break

2008-07-22T22:56:00.002-04:00

For all who care, I will not be posting the next two weeks (at least) unless it is in the ohmygodiamgonnadieandnevergraduate thread. School is eating my soul. And I am old. I need glasses. I just bought reading glasses from Target. By reading glasses I mean glorified magnifying glasses. I am having a hard time getting used to them, but my brain has stopped hurting while I read so I guess I'll put up with it. Where oh where did my perfect eyesight go? (Yes, I realize that there is nothing wrong with glasses and I hope to get some real ones as soon as I have insurance again. I am just bitter that my mom was right and I have killed my eyes by reading in dim light all those years.)

Ok, I'll stop complaining now and save my crazy woman yelled at me in the cafe yesterday and I almost yelled back at her story for a time when I feel like procrastinating for a bit.

I'll be back soon. I hope.

Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog

2008-07-19T17:41:00.002-04:00

Go to this site. Watch the mini movie. Bathe in its awsomeness. Dr Horrible's Sing Along Blog is this really cool thing that a few writers made after that whole strike thing. They made a movie without the corporations and by doing that, they get to decide everything as well as have the ability to make it free... for now. It will go down tomorrow some time, but until then, go watch Neil Patrick Harris be funny and sing.

General Freakout

2008-07-17T15:46:00.003-04:00

I am freaking out. I may have piled too much on my plate with school. For some reason, I thought that it would be no problem to fit two 16 week courses into 6 weeks. I'm just that smart. So now I am losing my shit because there is a ton of stuff to do! And work! And the truck broke down and it is costing us a bajillion dollars to fix it! And I need to find a job for when I graduate! If I graduate! Argh!!!!!

On top of this, I am jealous of all of you who are packing up to go to BlogHer. It just sounds like fun. Plus, there are so many of you who I would love to meet. Maybe next year when I have a real job and stuff. Maybe more people will read this blog by then and I wouldn't feel weird going anyways.

Ok, that was my study break. Back to the religious history of America. Boo.

Where Did The Indie Bloggers Go?

2008-07-14T09:40:00.005-04:00

I joined Indie Bloggers back when I first started this blog. I never submitted anything to them, knowing that my work here is not what it could be. I haven't visited their site in quite awhile, citing other blogs to read, schoolwork to complete, work to do. I tried to go to the site today and it is gone! Does anyone know what happened to Indie Bloggers? I was just getting the courage up to write something that I could actually submit to them.

Oh, and if anyone can tell me how to get that damn twentysomething blogger tag onto my site, I will love you forever.